Tuesday, June 30, 2009

People for the Ethical Treatment of Women With Hormones

Dear Universe,
Why have you conspired against me?
Why must I suffer this reoccurring mania?
I am really a pleasant, ethical person. I don't dig a pit for my neighbor. I try to make life a little interesting for my husband and children. I even crack a joke now and then! I am nice to cashiers and waiters. I ask people how they are doing, and dangit, I really want to know the answer!
So why this, Universe?
Why must I turn into crazy woman? I honestly don't believe I suffer from multiple personality disorder. This is all your fault!!!
Why do you turn me into Medusa? Just for kicks? Just so I can become a truly hateful and horrible human being and try that on for size? Do I LOOK like I want snakes for hair? Just 'cause I have naturally great glaring talent, this doesn't mean I want to kill people with it! (Okay, normally I don't want to kill people with it). Is this your idea of a joke?
I don't like it when my poor pea-sized brain becomes overloaded with pleasant thoughts like: life, death, the state of my marriage, the incredibly high level of noise in my home, the politicians who can just shove it up their -- , and the fact that I don't want to hear one more word about socialism 'cause people don't even know what it means, whether my husband loves me (poor guy, what more do I want!?), and whether I'm actually going to die in my sleep and that's why I'm having all these thoughts? YOU TRY IT, UNIVERSE!!! And then let me know how you like it.
What is the point? I just don't get it.
Surely there are other, less painful and degrading and offensive ways to reach the measure of our creation. (Am I right, female coalition? Am I right?!?!)
And what about Man, Universe?
Is it really fair that we suffer it all and they get nothing but good looks and upper-body strength? Don't you see a slight imbalance, here? And don't send me a memo about having to live with the female. That won't cut it today!
I just don't get it.
Can you please twinkle the stars and bring back Nice Marie? I like her. I really do. I miss her, and I want her back. Is she ever coming back? (I ask not for myself, but for my Mate and young children as well. They are innocents.)
Please send your answer to me A.S.A.P.
Best Regards (But No Love Today),
Marie the Martyr
P.S. Do you think the Bomb Threat I feel coming on will dissolve soon? Do you think I could get a time estimate on that?


The Decaffeinated Chef said...

I feel for you. Lets dig a pit in the Smarts back yard, just to get them, then jump on some bikes and head into the desert and find that elusive cooler!

Ducksoup said...

REESER, YOU ARE HILARIOUS. you make me laugh. you are just so you. so real. so let me tell you how i think it is. where do you get this creative mind of yours. i mean, when i'm feeling how you are feeling, i just call it a state of depression...but you, you go much further and put the blame on the Universe. can't wait to see you, soonish! woo hoo!

Tink said...

We don't think you're crazy!

katie said...

I think your awesome! I love reading your blog:)

jonnycake said...

Sis due to the small fact the you refused my request that you refused my invite to be a card carrying member of the people for the ethical treatment of jonny I must deny your invitaion its one of those you scratch my back I scratch yours things.:) Love ya sis you are great. Even with a bomb stapped to your chest.

Jen said...

Dear Marie,

You are not alone. I have inflicted this evil on every woman so that you may bond in the misery and joy of sisterhood. Also, because I am male and evil.

Love, Universe

Tara said...

Sorry you are feeling so crummy right now. I hope you are able to find your happy Marie again soon. I'm sorry I won't be able to post to help give you something else to think about. As for ambitious...I think insane would be more correct! And lastly yes Tim cuts my hair becuase I'm too cheap to go to a real hair stylist and generally it doesn't look too terrible when he's done :) He actually does a pretty good job for not knowing what he's doing. I'm sure we'll take pictures on the trip and one of them should have me in it with my new do and I will be sure to post it for everyone! Have a great day. Smile, laugh and show the universe who's boss. You Rule!! :)

Kamille said...

The good news is evil never wins. Batman always beats the Joker. The Autobots always take it to the Decepticons. Good-guys, white-hats, fist-fights, take that. You, too, shall conquer!

*rOcKiN rIcHiNs* said...

I refer to these times in my life as 'The Slump' I had no idea this was a universe vs. me situation. I have a whole new insight. I learned today. thank you.