Friday, July 24, 2009

The Five People You Meet In Wal-Mart

I made the momentous decision at 9:30 tonight that I would make the ten minute trek to Wal-Mart. We are out of juice, and that is a critical item at our house. We are basically out of everything. Plus, after a week of being trapped in my house, I wanted to push a cart, you get my vibe? It was a special experience, let me tell you that.

I now present

1) The obviously vegan and waaayyy too healthy hippie gal (dirty sundress and all) who continued to stand in front of me to look at the organic fruits, no matter which way I shuffled. I mean, I was happy to share the fruit aisle with her. I was just happy that I was looking at fruit! But if I stepped right, she fluttered right. I shuffled left, she skipped left. It was obnoxious, but I piously waited. Finally her greasy-haired boyfriend snapped "Hello, there is a lady behind you! Duh!" and greasy-haired girl looked at me like I was a lesser being (maybe she knew I wasn't really organic), sniffed, and walked away. No problem, dude. I still got the cherries I was looking at!
2) The woman in the Nascar shirt who was standing in front of the ketchup as I walked by. I almost jumped out of my skin when she screamed (and I'm not joking about this) "Come on, now! I got the Bologna, I got the salami! Do ya really need wieners, too?!" to which her male companion (bearded, I might add) yelled back "H--- yes, I do, woman!" Awesome.
3) The man way too old to be wearing a tunic who decided he was going to offer me unsolicited popcorn advice. I was innocently looking over my microwavable options, when I hear a stranger say "which kind do you recommend?" The conversation goes as follows:
Marie: Well, I am actually thinking about trying the generic, but I usually stick with Orville.
Man: You know, there's a spicy seasoning you can put on your popcorn that would be real good. The only problem is it coats your mouth with a buttery thing, so you can imagine what it does to your arteries. But once in awhile, that's okay. It's at my house if you want to try some.
Marie: Oh, really? We like seasonings, too, but I'm not really good with spicy foods, I'm a wimp.
Man: You don't look like a wimp at all. You look great. I like your hair. But if I were you, I wouldn't get the 24 pack, I'd get the 8 pack.
Marie: Okay. Well. Good advice, I'll do that.
Man: Do you live around here?
Marie: I do. Do you? (Translation: my mother taught me to be polite, so I'm going to ask it 'cause I can see you want me to.)
Man: I live about twenty miles up the road from Hurricane. I can make you some of that spicy popcorn anytime -- even tonight -- if you're free.
Marie: (kind of flattered but mostly terrified) Well, that's nice. My husband and kids are waiting for me to get home so we can watch a movie, so thanks for the advice!
The man did not pick up popcorn of his own. I casually ran away. Then, when picking up some little girl under-roos, the man happens to be in the aisle up from me, staring over his book. Okay, now I know this man is going to murder me. This knowledge makes me unhappy.
*post-script: man did not murder me. I'm glad. But I did look authoritative on my way to the car, keys in hand ready to gouge out his eyeballs. The wife of a boy scout is always prepared.
4) Girl who repeatedly put boyfriends hand on her backside while we all looked at contact solution together. A little uncomfortable, but -- whatever.
5) Seriously nice and awesome cashier who let me come to his express line, even though I had way over twenty items! I said I was afraid I had too many and didn't want to ruin his day. He said "you couldn't ruin my day, nothing can do that unless I say so!" I liked this fine young man. We discussed our children and he wished me a nice weekend. Thank you, sir. You do your profession proud.

There you have it folks. The five people I met at Wal-Mart.
S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Don't you wish you could have been there?


jonnycake said...

Marie for the first time in a long time I wish I had been there. I will say one thing when Brigham Young said the desert will blossom as the rose I think in part he saw the Hurricane Wal Mart.

elise said...

Hey-- thanks for commenting on my blog, nothing makes me happier! YOU are FUNNY too! I go to Walmart with a plan. I take my Ensign with me just in case I run into one of the people who I visit teach (because I always seem to).
p.s. I lived in Hurricane last summer (it's a long story...) and I always thought, "you know what this place needs? A Wal-mart!" and SHAZAM!

Tink said...

I wish I could have been there! Sounds amuzing! And hey, another person who says SHAZAM!!!! Too cool!

Tara said...

Quite the trip. I hope it gave you the break you needed. Although the guy in the tunic was a little scary. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

Ducksoup said...

and i like your new blog look. like the new font and you deleted the box behind your header, a? impressive i must say.

Ducksoup said...

sounds like an awesome night out at wal-mart. grateful to know that man left you alone - - sounds like a total creep. only wal-mart could give you such a great variety of folk.

Tina Williams said...

A Walmart in Hurricane? When did that happen? You did help to remind me of why I hate Walmart . .

Jen said...

Bahahaha. Creepy #3! Good thing you have Benward to protect you. I'm glad you got that cashier and not the 70yrold lady dressed like a skanky teenager who questioned me for intending to have more than two children.

Kamille said...

Good to know Wal*Mart remains universal. Or maybe that's frightening. On one hand, they are just what you expect. On the other hand, ew. And there you have it.