Thursday, August 27, 2009

Stories That I Just Shouldn't Share. Ever.

I'm just givin' up the dream of impressing you with my wit and wisdom. So without further ado, I present:

Stories That Just Should Not Be Told.

This one time, I went to see the movie 'Titanic' in the theaters. It had just come out, and I went with my two "best friends" and our supervising mother. We had heard good things, people! It was an epic of epic proportions! Of course, at the time, I didn't know that I would totally be seeing Kate Winslet's b-o-o-b, or I would have rethought the whole experience. Anyhow, we are to the part where the boat is sinking. People are being cut in half on propellers and stuff, and being three teenage girls, we were all weeping. Not SOBBING. Weeping. Well. There was an annoying and yucky couple in front of us, obviously on a hot date (girl did not seem to realize boy had just seen Kate's jazongas). And while we were weeping, the man turned around to us and said "Could you three calm down? Because if you can't, I think you need to go stand in the back of the theater."
He turned back around proudly (apparently he doesn't mind seeing people cut in half over huge propellers) and the three of us simultaneously gave him a double hand signal to let him know of our disapproval.
I'm not proud of it.
I'm just stating the facts, ma'am.
And he deserved it, too.

You might be interested to know that when stupid nakey girl pried frozen love interest off plywood and drops him off into the ocean (goodbye, Jack) our friendly date girl wept. Copiously. But don't worry. We didn't say a word.

Sorry about that one, Mom.

Why did Kate want Leo to draw her like one of his french women? I've always wondered that.

P.S. In a side note, I am sorry if the ads on this here blog get all weird now. I am not unaware that they have advertised both safe practices in the room where you sleep and having another woman carry your child for you. I'm not so happy about that. So I don't dare say things like l-o-v-e anymore lest anything wild happen. I'm hoping my ads can't read.

Moving on.

When my brother and sister-in-law got married, I was still Captain Morality and really didn't think boys and girls should even be in the same country much less in love and married.
I slept very fitfully that night on my Grandma's couch. When I woke up the next morning, I had broken out in hives. That's right, folks. My entire right arm was covered in hives. Hives derived of nerves. 'Cause my brother just got married. And that was super disturbing.

I outgrew the hive thing. Don't you worry about it.
But still. Isn't that sad? I think so.

Moving on.

A few years ago in Farmer's Market, I saw a boy I knew from mutual. He was a few years older, and my was he cute. He still is not looking so bad, but I only see him when I am nine months pregnant. Except this one time. We were having a family gathering and I was sent to the store to pick up a few items. In the produce section, I reached into my pocket for something and simultaneously heard a coin roll. So I bent to pick it up. And here was this cute person now in man form, also bending to pick up the penny. We said hi and I held out my hand for the penny. He looked at me funny. I said "Come on, give me my penny! I'm going to have to insist!" or something equally stupid. He looked kind of startled and then laughed and gave me the penny. Then he walked away. I took a few more steps before realizing it was HIS penny and I had just STOLEN his penny whilst making a complete moron of myself. It was horrifying. I got back to my parents house and my whole family laughed at me. I mean, I was horrified.

I'm not sure if that penny story translates. But honestly, I am not a person who is easily embarrassed. In fact, the experience is so rare I usually sort of enjoy the uniqueness of feeling blood rushing into my cheeks.
This time, I did NOT enjoy it. I will say this was the most embarrassing experience of my whole life.

Moving on.

When I was in the sixth grade, I was living in central Utah and we got to go to this awesome little space camp thing! I was voted as ship ambassador -- and we went up for a Star Trek like experience, where I got to passionately argue with the captain of the Romulan ship and convince him not to blow us up in front of my whole class. IT. WAS. ROCKIN'. And as I'm sure you already know, I was somehow able to talk reason to this Romulan and saved the day. I was so into it. I'm pretty sure I was so into I was experiencing stroke-like symptoms.
Knowing my addictive personality, they probably should've used any means possible to stop me from going on this field trip. But they let me go -- those simpletons.
And for the next forever, I daydreamed during math class (this explains why I can't divide) and every other possible opportunity about space camp. About saving us from the Romulans. And about our heroic ship's captain, a cowboy named Maine, who up to that point had just been a really stupid boy in my class. But now I knew the truth. This was a young man destined for greatness! Probably my eternal companion. Like, totally, definitely.
So, being an "author," I had to write a novel about this.
I worked for weeks on my new epic, detailing how Channel One chose our sixth grade class to fly a space mission for NASA, and how we got to stay in a fancy hotel, and how there was romantic tension between the ships ambassador (aptly named Marie) and the ships captain (can we all say... Maine?). Of course, these gallant sixth graders saved the planet and the space station, with the support of mission control and their faithful teacher, Mr. Sperry.
I was so proud of that story.

So I printed it off, bought a fancy binder at the dollar store, and presented it to Mr. Sperry on the last day of school. I even dedicated the book to him. That's right, folks.
Why didn't someone stop me?!? Why didn't a large rock fall on my hands to prevent me from this atrocity?!?
Mr. Sperry was very gracious about it.
I have never been forced to save the Earth from Romulans (although if they ever need me, I'm there).
And Maine turned out to be a total moron.
But that's another story for another time.

I am not quite sure why I have just shared these stories that should never, ever have seen the light of day. But dangit, I did it!
Take comfort in the fact that there is someone out here more spastic then you!


The Decaffeinated Chef said...

double hand signal? what did you do, wave at him?!

Jen said...

You are a paragon of awesomeness. And at least you didn't have a jock pull your chair out from under you on Seminary day and have your skirt flip over your head.

Tink said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Penny story!!! One of my favorite stories EVER! Yes. I take pleasure in your pain. But I love IT! Makes me feel not alone in the world! I also love that you were just as, if not more nervous about my wedding night than I was! And I what did ever happen to that astronaut dream! You always wanted to be one! I'm glad you're here though and not in outer space! :-) Cute Post!

Tara said...

I really enjoyed this post. Great stories. I don't think I could be as brave as you to post these kind of stories or even tell them to others. I think maybe you should write another book now. It's been long enough since the last one! Maybe Mr. Sperry saved that great story and you could ask for a copy. haha.