Friday, January 15, 2010

My Daughter -- The Unicorn/Corndog

This is Olivia.
This is Olivia on drugs.
Just kidding, but it sort of makes me feel better to say that (but only for those of you who remember that fried egg commercial from the 80's/90's. That was a very effective commercial, and at times like these it comes flying through my head. If you don't remember this commercial, please know I would never feel better by the sentence "This is Olivia on drugs" if not for that special commercial. Amen.)

So last night I was lazy busy, busy I mean, laying on my bed watching 'John Adams' while my children respectfully and carefully played in the next room. Something told me things were not going as planned when I walked down the hall to check on them and found little tufts of... hair. Long, blond, curly hair that looked suspiciously like Sleeping Beauty's hair. (And yes, those are Olivia's pants around her ankles. She thought picture time seemed like the right time to tell me she was going to go potty. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.)

That's right, folks. There were my children (both guilty parties) in the front room, each holding a pair of scissors. And in Olivia's hand was her brand new Christmas present of Sleeping Beauty. Sleeping Beauty with deeply damaged hair.

I wasn't happy, folks. I wasn't happy at all. It brought up vicious memories of my big brother Jon sheering my beautiful Skipper's ankle-length hair when I was nine and he was THIRTEEN (I can't protect the guilty). The very thought of committing that kind of brutality against your own Barbie brought shudders of horror to my soul. I think I said things like "No respect," and "you'll never see the light of day again" and "forget new toys forever" and "if you cut your own hair you're dead."

Luckily for Chicken Little, I saw no evidence of damage in her recently curled hair. I sent them to their room and the Evil Giant marched back to her cave, happy to see her children spending time in the slammer. "Oh well," I thought "Could be worse."
Imagine my joy this morning when upon washing said daughters hair I came across this:

That's right, folks. I spot. A prison-length self-chopping job. Spikes. A unicorn horn on top of my three year old's head!!! Right up front!!! She was thanking her lucky stars I'd had a night to sleep on it, but I did heave a great big sigh of angst with those famous words: "Olivia! Go see your dad!!!" This is a not-good-enough picture of what she looks like -- again, it could have been way, way worse -- but something about a bald spot just doesn't speak to me.

Where is the remorse, I ask you? A few minutes later I was in the bedroom talking to the Double B when she came and stood in the doorway. Our conversation went like this:

Mom - Olivia, you look like a unicorn.

Olivia - Uh, Mom! I not a CORN-DOG!!!

Mom - (laughing) I didn't say you look like a corndog, I said you look like a unicorn.

Olivia - (screeching) Daddy, Mommy say I look a like a CORN-DOG!!! I not a corndog, I a girl!!!

It's my punishment for not being Mother-of-the-year. Quite frankly, I'm not even sure I could win a Mother-of-the-hour award. Poor children.

A few minutes ago when I was going around taking pictures of the evidence, Livi wanted to take a picture of me -- her favorite past time. I am including it because I think it is dang impressive for a three year old. I think I'm giving her a steady start in a career of photography. She will earn lots of money (which is good because I'll never have it, happily) and support me in my old age. On my island.

Motherhood is the best. The end.


Tara said...

that was hilarious. thanks for the laughs. I'm sure when Olivia has a daughter of her own and is dealing with the same situations she will nominate you for mother of the year for not killing her!! You're awesome. I love you and your blog.

Tina Williams said...

You are a better woman than me. It would not have been so pleasant at our abode.

Jen said...

Wow, it seems that Olivia and Grace's minds are on a brainwave the way mine and yours sometimes are.

Book group last thursday this month. can't remember if i've nagged you or not, but it's same bat time, same bat cave, no specific book, we'll all just review.

Melissa said...

I think a trip to Katie might be in order. I have seen that girl work wonders on much worse. Amazing! Instead of a photographer she could be a hair cutter. She's already proven her worth!

Kamille said...

Congratulations on still having a daughter alive. Really fabulous of you. You deserve an ice cream.

Ducksoup said...

scissors - - makes me want to go and hide every pair i own. she still looks pretty dang confident, bald spot and all. she is cute. and you are adorable. i love that pic of you. you are so cute. i never look that cute...

Simmons Family said...

Wow, that is so funny that she cut her hair. My neighbor did that to me once when we were little kids and it was pretty at all!!!!

Paulette said...

Gasp! She still looks cute as a corndog...I love those freckles of her's.:) Could be worse, I suppose.:)

Tink said...

Livi's photography skills are quite impressive. I'm pretty sure she'll be famous some day! sorry about the hair.