Pregnancy is such a trip.
I just don't think I can handle the emotional roller coster anymore. I don't think the Double B can handle it anymore, either! I need a blessing. I told him that. But I don't want to have to beg. And I haven't told him that. Because I have already made two helpful suggestions today for him. Which makes me a... dare I say it... a nag. And a hag. Both at the same time! He gets silent about it, too, which is how I know he's trying to let all of us survive.
I just feel discouraged today and for the last couple weeks, but today it feels deep down in my bones/the cloudiness in my brain/from the center of my being discouraged. And who does that help? No one! Especially not me and the people I love. But I tell myself not to be discouraged and down and I still lay there on the bed wanting to close my eyes. What is with that, anyway? Plus then I feel guilty because I should be floating on wings of ecstacy because I am the vessel that helps God bring a child into the world. That is how I want to feel. But instead I complain and resent the pain and want to cry because I fed my children Dairy Queen yesterday for lunch and I gained nine pounds in one month. And I would also like to cry because I feel like crying, and that is such a lame feeling when it's not justified. I feel guilty because I asked my mother-in-law to watch my children for a few hours so I could go to physical therapy but I always feel like I'm burdening everyone for something that is strictly for ME and no one else. So am I selfish? But if it was the Double B, I would move heaven and earth to make it possible for him to get to physical therapy. So shouldn't I do the same for myself? Isn't it the love thy neighbor as thyself commandment? Or is it just stupid and I should just give it up. I don't know.
Here is one thing I do know: I will regret posting this as soon as I do, but I'm not going to take it down because I gotta be me, good days and bad.
I do have a lot to be thankful for, so much as a matter of fact that I could never list it all! I will list three things that do my heart good.
My sister-in-law Trina brought me strawberries last night purely out of the goodness of her heart. And they are very delicious strawberries. Isn't that nice?
In Livi's prayer the other night she asked that she could put on lipstick in the morning and that we would all be able to poop in the morning, too. Which is hil-arious. And very reasonable, really.
Also, the cheese show thing is at Costco (I love Costco) right now, and I bought some bree with herbs and garlic AND some asiago that is to die for. I love cheese. I am thankful for it.