Thursday, April 1, 2010

Warning: Pregnant Woman

Pregnancy is such a trip.

I just don't think I can handle the emotional roller coster anymore. I don't think the Double B can handle it anymore, either! I need a blessing. I told him that. But I don't want to have to beg. And I haven't told him that. Because I have already made two helpful suggestions today for him. Which makes me a... dare I say it... a nag. And a hag. Both at the same time! He gets silent about it, too, which is how I know he's trying to let all of us survive.

I just feel discouraged today and for the last couple weeks, but today it feels deep down in my bones/the cloudiness in my brain/from the center of my being discouraged. And who does that help? No one! Especially not me and the people I love. But I tell myself not to be discouraged and down and I still lay there on the bed wanting to close my eyes. What is with that, anyway? Plus then I feel guilty because I should be floating on wings of ecstacy because I am the vessel that helps God bring a child into the world. That is how I want to feel. But instead I complain and resent the pain and want to cry because I fed my children Dairy Queen yesterday for lunch and I gained nine pounds in one month. And I would also like to cry because I feel like crying, and that is such a lame feeling when it's not justified. I feel guilty because I asked my mother-in-law to watch my children for a few hours so I could go to physical therapy but I always feel like I'm burdening everyone for something that is strictly for ME and no one else. So am I selfish? But if it was the Double B, I would move heaven and earth to make it possible for him to get to physical therapy. So shouldn't I do the same for myself? Isn't it the love thy neighbor as thyself commandment? Or is it just stupid and I should just give it up. I don't know.
Here is one thing I do know: I will regret posting this as soon as I do, but I'm not going to take it down because I gotta be me, good days and bad.
I do have a lot to be thankful for, so much as a matter of fact that I could never list it all! I will list three things that do my heart good.
My sister-in-law Trina brought me strawberries last night purely out of the goodness of her heart. And they are very delicious strawberries. Isn't that nice?
In Livi's prayer the other night she asked that she could put on lipstick in the morning and that we would all be able to poop in the morning, too. Which is hil-arious. And very reasonable, really.
Also, the cheese show thing is at Costco (I love Costco) right now, and I bought some bree with herbs and garlic AND some asiago that is to die for. I love cheese. I am thankful for it.
The end.

8 comments:

Tina Williams said...

Love you Marie - and as a recently pregnant woman - live one day at a time, when that is too long, go for the hour, to the minute, to the second. It to shall pass. Thanks for your feelings, I feel so many of the same things and when you write them you help me to know I'm not crazy just human. Eat some chocolate - I've hear it has positive endorphins. Worry about your weight after your mental health, chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate.

Ducksoup said...

hi rie--so sorry you are feeling discouraged. you have got to be one of the coolest humans who ever lived. if i could be you, i simply would. i love you dearly in so many ways. pregnancy is rough on yah, that's for sure. something that men entirely don't understand. if you need dairy queen though, you better just eat it. i say when you are pregnant you just eat what you are craving. love you oodles! FC

Jen said...

I love cheese, too. And I just want you to know, I have been mildly depressed since January, which causes me all sorts of complexes about me NOT being one of those depressed Utah-dwelling women. However, I did realize that this was the first time since I was four that during the winter months I was not doing one of the following: lactating, pregnifying, newlywed, missionary, going to school, or chewing things that were too big for me to have bitten off in the first place. Basically, I just want you to know that I feel your pain. I am an emotional rollercoaster when pregnant (and the rest of the time sometimes) too. So God bless you, Marie. You are a delightful human being.

Jen said...

Also, I second the chocolate. Cadbury. Mmmmmmmmmmmm

Elise H. said...

Pregnancy. PATOOEY! I'm sorry, I feel your pain. I am a PSYCHO when I'm pregnant. And when I'm not. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation for my husband. I won't give you any tips because I can tell you're much more well-adjusted than I am.

Hang in there. Thanks for being awesome.

P.S. You got all faaaancy! I love it. I should make my blog all fancy, too. But it wouldn't really be an honest representation of my family if I did. We are neither fancy nor cute. :)

Simmons Family said...

Being preggers does some strange things to you!! Don't worry, it is all worth it in the end. Just rest up and know that everyone still loves you even when you are down, and it is totally ok for you to take time for yourself. If you aren't healthy, then how can you care for everyone else in your family??! Take time to recharge yourself, you deserve it because hey, you are awesome!

Cory Reese said...

Today I was talking with my sister-in-law about how her child cost $13,000 since she didn't have insurance.

Later in the day, the previously mentioned child smeared a poopy diaper on the walls.

It didn't seem like the appropriate time to remind her that this little pleasure cost her $13,000.

So what I'm getting at is that maybe right now isn't the time to mention that this fetus will bring you lots of joy. And potentially some poopy diapers smeared on walls.

Kamille said...

It isn't written anywhere "and it came to stay" Just know that you can make it. Because you will. You did it before. You're amazing. Just not yourself, which is hard on you, but we still love you.