Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Proof That The Universe Is Conspiring Against Me

I woke up this morning with knowledge of a very certain sort:

You are all against me. EVERYONE!!!! Everyone is against me!!!

Conspiracy theory though it may be, I know it is true. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. I am now planning to go eat worms.

Because the worms like me. In fact, they love me. And they would love nothing more then to be in my tummy.

Do you ever have that kind of day? My Mom has been my phone therapist -- emergency intervention -- twice now. The Double B has been the victim of most of my negative energy (I'm the lame despondent type), because let's face it... he put me here.

Why is that, I wonder? It's like subliminally I am punishing him for impregnating me? I don't know. It doesn't make sense.

Let us all have a moment of silence for the Double B:

~crickets~

I will share with you my list of VERY VALID COMPLAINTS, and you can decide for yourself whether I am being conspired against or not (although I must warn you it won't matter what you decide, I already know for myself I am, in fact, the victim of a world-wide conspiracy. We're talking global, people.):

* I want a subway sandwich, and I haven't had one.

* The Double B has chosen to serve our neighbors for like days now on their dumb lawn, including all darn day long today, his day off. And his willingness to serve just makes me mad.

* I am not very Christ-like.

* The Double B cancelled his dinner date with his mother until Saturday. And let me tell you, that just chaps my hide for a variety of reasons. 'Cause the reason for the delay is just so lame. Put your priorities in order, buster! And yes, your mother is one of them.

* I am so nice. I am awesome.

* I am still coughing a little bit. cough, cough. See?

* The child is running out of room, and she honestly like flipped out in vengeful kicking when I said I was going to name her "Scout" or "MoonFry." Like she has a say.

* I had to sit outside for awhile, and I sweated a little bit.

* I don't have any valid reasons to feel like pond scum, and that is so annoying.

SEE?!??! I told you it was all real and legit!!! Sigh.

About right now you are wondering why you ever agreed to read this blog. I don't know why, either. Is that part of the conspiracy, too?!?! Huh!?!? HUH!???!!??!

I will now be finding some serious tranquilizers and will get back to you when the hormone levels from heck have ebbed. I am so glad you could read this. I love you. Over and out.

8 comments:

Elise H. said...

Here are my the two thoughts I had as I read this:

1. Maybe the world IS conspiring against you. You may be on to something, here. NO SUBWAY?!

2. I vote for Scout.

Hang in there, Pregnant Lady. Thanks for making me smile (at your expense).

:)

*rOcKiN rIcHiNs* said...

Sounds conspiracy-ish to me!

Are you this funny post-pregnancy? I mean...I met you when Olivia was like 2 ish and you were just a delight...so I'm talkin...right after...for like the two years after...I just need to know the Marie I am going to reading...

You are too funny!

:)

Ducksoup said...

awe marie, i just love you. if there is one real blogger out there it is you. i love your realness. and tell ben if he is going to work on someone's yard all day long i prefer it be mine. i promise to take good care of you while he does and feed you endless amounts of subway - - it's just down the street from me. and you are almost done - - you are seriously so, so, so close. it's awesome. so just hang in there - - just one moment at a time. and be sure and keep me updated how it's all going. love you tons!

Kamille said...

Be brave. Be strong.

katie said...

Hormones do crazy things to a person don't they!! By the way I like you :)

Jen said...

Never give up. NEVER SURRENDER!!!!

Tink said...

Hang in there Sis! 9 more weeks, or is it 8 I hope it's 8. You can do it! You're like a Goddess, creating new life and stuff! :-)

Meegan, the Evil Stepmother said...

I hereby de-stalk myself to let you know that I, a total stranger (with emphasis on the strange, just ask Elise), think you're pretty awesome, and that the Universe would be pretty silly to conspire against you. It is sure to fail. And total strangers are never wrong, right?

Oh, I'm with Elise. Scout all the way. Bestowing weird names is one of the few ways we have to subtlely get revenge for all the in utero roundhouse kicks...