Sunday, January 9, 2011

For The Midgets

"Mom, what does it mean when a person has the blues? Does it mean they turn blue or what?"

-- K.J. the Magnificent

Dearest Children,

There are some things you should know about me: I hate getting my picture taken. I always, always panic on "3," I just can not help it. I always want to do better so that I look a little more human in my pictures, but I have not yet been successful in this pursuit. I am also not very photogenic. Some people are, some are not. I have to hold on to that hope so that I can deal with modern technology. Please don't judge me based on the photographic evidence. Actually, I'm going to have to come up with something really awesome for you to judge me on, and then just forget the rest. Okay?

This is a good plan. I endorse it.

I plan on being a ninety year old woman with zits. Please forgive me for carrying this trait so wonderfully and possibly passing it on to you. I promise to take you to the dermatologist if it comes to that. I give you my solemn oath.

And for graduation, I shall bequeath you with a teeth whitening. Because I had this roommate named Jamie at BYU my first semester there (3 weeks after high school graduation, mind you), and she had the whitest teeth ever. They were very white and enchanting. Due to this, I want you to have the same awe-inspiring effect on your future roommates.

I had the most fascinating incident this weekend with your Father. I know him as the Double B, but you may know him as "Dad," "Daddy," or "Daddy-O." We went to his work party, because we thought that would be -- you know -- a work party. Free meal and friends from work -- sort of a date, right? But actually, it was horrible. We will never go again. And I felt so yucky, so horrible that we'd even been in the same building as that party. And then I felt so happy to go to church today and enjoy the blessings of taking the sacrament and renewing my covenants with Heavenly Father. The lesson here is that there are good things and there are bad things, there are good decisions and there are idiot decisions, and I hope you know which is which. And when your soul is involved, always, always ere on the side of caution! Kindly ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

One last thing: the phrase "follow your heart" is, in my opinion, usually the stupidest advice ever.

I love you,


Jen said...

Dear Marie,

The one last thing line of this wise letter makes me very, very happy.

Love, Jen

THE HILLS said...

Sorry to hear about the work party... Yikes!

Elise said...

Bad work party? Been there. Sorry. That's LAME. Don't beat yourself up too much. At least you weren't in a casino this weekend like yours truly. Moron here!

Teeth whitening? I have a friend with white teeth like that. I hope that she's with me if I'm ever on a plane that crashes into the ocean. We wouldn't need a homing signal or flares or anything. Just her crazy white incisors.

Now that I've met you in real life, I am an authority on the subject of whether or not you are photogenic. My verdict? Picture Marie-- pretty. Real life Marie-- also pretty. (I feel the same way, though. I HhhaaaaAAATTtte having my picture taken. It's like I'm suddenly afflicted with Tourettes of the face. Not good.)

Holy LONG COMMENT. I need to go fold some laundry now to make up for this. Peace out, Marie!

(And why haven't I called you yet??)

Tamari said...

Haha, "follow your heart"...hahahahaha....LOVE. IT. Best stupid advice ever!