Friday, February 25, 2011

I Have THREE Brothers. I Really Do.

First off, let's just get this out of the way: I am in pain. Serious. Pain. As my dear friend Shawna (of pre-school fame) said last night "Tony did you wrong, Marie!"
I know you desperately needed to hear that update. And now you are well. You're welcome.

Today I would like to dedicated this here blog post to three of the most special and important and treacherous people in my life: My Brothers.
I have three of them. I really do. I am not joking about that. And no sisters. No sisters that share my DNA, anyway, and I had to survive a whole lotta years before I got the other kind. Yes, I am courageous. You can say it if you want to.
I like my brothers a lot, I really do. I wouldn't trade any of them, although I may have thought of that in the past. But today, as a physically grown person, I have decided to keep them. They are worth the hassle.

The plan for today is to introduce them to you and share information they would not willingly give and have no ability to defend themselves from. This should be fun. I'm looking forward to it. And heeeeerrrrreeeee we go!

This is Jon (he's the oldest):
I call him: Special Pants
Freshman Year Nickname: Prince Puberty
Height: About an inch taller then me. I'm going to say... 5'10"?
Location: We live across the street from each other. Cool, dude!
Where'd he go on his mission?: Anaheim, California. Disneyland, basically. It was really hard for me when Jonnie Noodle left for his mission, because he was like -- my defender (Still is, possibly). There was weeping and gnashing of teeth. But then he came back. Sweet!
Married: My childhood best friend. You may have heard of her. Her name is T-Bomb. She knows how to do everything.
I like to laugh at him: When he is frustrated with his kids. He sputters. He puffs. Steam comes out of his ears. It's funny and cute, 'cause it's not me!
Club he just joined: A bow-and-arrow club. Do you need a password to get in, I wonder?
Name of my Barbie Doll he chopped all the hair off of when he was 13, yes, 13: Skipper. I was very fond of her.
Here's a little something: He was very popular with the ladies when he was a teenager. And by that I mean very, very popular with the ladies.
This one time: Jon was at work near my high school when I called him -- there was an emergency! It was region drama and one of the judges bailed out, and could he come right now! He came. He judged. And he gave me a compliment. And I still remember what it is, and it meant so much to me at the time. Now what means more is that I needed him and he dropped everything to be there. He has done that maybe -- nine million times in my life.

This is Matt (he's next):
I call him: Brainy-Pants.
Nickname that you only called him when you wanted a beating: Curly
Height: He's pretty darn tall. Like, 6'4". Same height as President Monson, actually.
I call him on the phone: When I need information.
Location: The Greater Salt Lake Area
Where'd he go on his mission?: Inner-City Baltimore. While there he discovered that he is, in fact, black. Which I always suspected anyway.
Married: Karen, a friend from high school. I am sensing a theme here. They got married one month and four days before The Double B and I did. I have never been so jealous.
My Favorite Time With Matt: After his mission when we were practically roommates up in Provo. We'd go to Food 4 Less and this cheap pizza place. He bought me a pink ninja out of the quarter machines that I have to this day.
I laugh when: He shakes his booty. And honestly, I haven't seen that in a long time. What the heck?
You should know: He used to beat me up when I was a kid. It's just I kept making him mad, and he'd keep making me mad. He is strong! Now I beat him up.
This One Time: Matt was on the seminary council as a senior. I was a drama person as a freshman. One day the seminary council came to the middle school to do a scripture case for us young spring chickens. I was really nervous, because some of his friends didn't think too much of me. I messed up and got embarrassed and when he asked what was wrong I said I had a headache (excuse of awesomeness!). He came up to my desk, put his arm around me, and asked if he could get me some Tylenol or something. That was nice. I have never forgotten that moment. He claimed me. He still helps me a ridiculous amount.
This is Nick (he's last):
I call him: Baby Pants
Nickname he had once: Dale. As in, Chip and Dale's. He earned it.
Height: maybe... Six Feet?
Thing he can do that you probably can't: Fly a helicopter. Woot,woot!
Where'd he go on his Mission?: South Carolina. I wonder if he met Nicholas Sparks while there? I don't think he did. He did; however, eat a lot of Mac and Cheese.
Claim to Fame: He won the gold medal in both ice-skating and gymnastics on the trampoline with me many times. It only depended on if it was summer or winter.
Interesting Fact: He pretty much remembers nothing from his childhood. So he wouldn't remember winning the gold, which means I should have kept the imaginary medals for myself and hawked them for some petty cash. I don't know why he has no memory. Was it the mind-bending drugs from those wild teenage years?
Married: The beautiful and exotic Brazilian national Silvia, who is my twin by age and is about to give him a beautiful baby girl. So -- rock it! Lucky Nick.
His childhood ambition: To grow up and be an elephant in the circus.
Bonus of being the youngest: You're pretty much everyones favorite person. Whatev!
This one time: K.J. was a new baby and Nick was a senior in high school. He'd come over and visit all the time. That year on my birthday I walked into my lizard-infested dump of an awesome house and there on my table was a 12 pack of Caffeine-free Diet Coke and a big bag of those delicious Cadbery chocolate eggs with a nice note from my little brother. It made my day. It honestly made me so happy and made me feel so cared about. He is very thoughtful and always has been. Except when he calls and I think it's for me! And then -- poof! -- it's to talk to my husband.
Collective things about my brothers you need to know:
* They all watched cartoons and walked around the house in their unders (I can not protect the guilty).
* They all harbor a secret belief that they could play in the NFL.
* They all will have daughters first. I think that's like... amazing! And also -- justice.
* They all tried to steal my food while growing up. That's why I twitch today.
* They are all Mommas Boys.
* They could all beat me up.
* They might be considering it right now.
And I think they're alright.


Tink said...

Awesome Post! I loved it! We have some pretty amazing Men in our family!!!

katie said...

What a fun post!

Ducksoup said...

love it! you are the best poster in the universe. girl, a? awesome! thanks for the news. ben and you were both right. i am so excited my next pregnancy i don't have to wait until 20 weeks. i'll just call ben. those were some pretty sweet stories about your bros. you are awesome rie. and i don't think i ever commented about your post yesterday, but i loved that one too. made me so happy to think things are looking up. you are the best. and way to work out. i feel guilty everytime i read your posts. i am lazy pants.

Elise said...

You are lucky to have such good brothers.

And you are a great writer, by the way. I laughed frequently whilst reading this post. (In my mind humor=excellent writing.)

Simmons Family said...

Sounds like you have some awesome brothers!

Jen said...

Brothers are the You are lucky to have such awesome ones in abundance.

Anonymous said...

I was always nice to your mother. always treated her great. Just ask her. your mom's brother.