Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Wind Was Blowing

It was a weird night, and I'm not going to lie about that.

Here's a question: why would I lie about that? Sometimes I wonder that about myself and my need to clear these things up. But maybe I would. Something to think about. Let's just say that in this case, I am not going to lie. I will not lie about it. Sometimes I just feel compelled to put that promise in there. For instance: My husband is a nice person, and I'm not going to lie about that. That's already obvious, though. Maybe I should just give that clarification up and just go straight for only clarifying lies. For instance: I love airplanes, and I'm going to lie about that. I like it when people totally hate my guts, and I'm going to lie about that. I'm not a sissy, and I'm totally gonna lie about that.

That was fun.

It really was a weird night. Maybe a weird day that became a weird night. I will now complain: I have had a kink in my neck for three or maybe four days days. Not a big deal. That equals a headache for three or maybe four days. But that is A-OK. But yesterday was weird, and my head hurt worse. Then the night came and I wanted an explosion to take me and my barfiness right out of the ballgame. Plus, I had duties to attend to. Ten cans of wheat to go help my fellow Relief Society sisters can. And Zumba after that. But instead I laid on my bed, moaning, groaning, pushing my head between two pillows. The Double B was very courteous, and he got me dinner (Subway... yum. Thank you, FebruANY, because you gave me the Subway Club for only five dollah) that sounded edible and drugs. Also -- water. I believe in the dehydration theory. Anywho. I felt a little better after that tasty sub and asked my dearly beloved to put on NCIS on low, because as we all know, NCIS is comfort television. I then fell promptly asleep, deserting everyone who needed me. Which means, I am du-u-umb. Whilst tossing and turning, I felt angst about this person who totally, truly hates and loathes me and almost burned a hole through my body yesterday, even though I am basically a nice (albeit flawed) person and honestly (I'm not going to lie about it) I don't think I have ever done anything to offend this person. But that is obviously not true because I obviously HAVE offended this nice person, deeply oh so deeply. So I stewed about this in my sleep, feeling sad and wondering what I could possibly do to make this person not abominate me so darn much. And then I thought of this one girl who I let slip through my fingers, even though I tried to keep them figuratively curled tightly, and how I will have to stand before the judgement bar and answer for all of this, and then... I thought "This is a little bit unpleasant. And my neck is still kinked. But at least I am no longer dying."

It was really weird.

But here is something beautiful: my daughter, the glorious and wonderful Katelyn Jill, fell asleep for a little evening snooze at 5 in the evening. AND SLEPT UNTIL 5 THIS MORNING. The longest sleep of her life. Since the Double B was already off working to provide for our family (I salute you, Double B), I got up and made her a bottle and she went right back to sleep! So I climbed back in bed, but I was awake, and I kept having scriptures about not sleeping longer then is needful running through my mind, so at 5:30 I got up and got down on my knees. I'd already told Heavenly Father about that person that hates me so darn much and how they are a nice person and I'd really hate to be a problem for them last night. But I told him about it again this morning, and how I felt really bad. Then I told him the whole truth and nothing but the truth about that other girl that I lost: I did try. But I didn't always try my hardest. And now she is lost. And I know I am a part of that. And that I am so, so sorry.
And I want to know what I can do.

And then I sat on my bed for a minute and thought about how not everyone is going to like us in this life, how we're not always going to do all we can do, and how I know that, but sometimes I feel so discouraged.
And then I thought about how if it was my friend telling me all this, I would ask them -- from my heart -- to extend a little mercy to themselves. And I thought, maybe I should take my own heartfelt advice.

So I'll try. And today is not a weird day. I'm pretty sure about that.
I'm optimistic, and I'm not going to lie about that.


Ducksoup said...

riese head, i love you. and i can't imagine anyone not liking you. really i can't. and i think you should start calling me because i feel bad for you not having a sister and all cause i talk to mine all the time. thank goodness you have such a good mom. well, you are pretty much perfect. and just remember i want to be you. and you should want to stay you cause there are a lot more people that hate me. xox! love you.

Elise said...

Dehydration theory? What is that? I need to know more about it.

Someone HATES you? What an IDIOT.

And you SHOULD have mercy on yourself.