To You, Universe

Dear Universe,
It's not like you never conspire against me, because you do. Don't deny it. Sometimes; however, I conspire against myself.
I hope you don't mind.
I know you like the glory for all the strange events I allow to afflict me, but this time I would just like to say "you got SERVED" to myself, you know? Does that make sense, Universe?
I hope so.
I wish this didn't have to change our relationship.
I hope we can still be friends.
Hugs Not Drugs,
Marie.

Dear Double B,
It's like you listened last night. To my poor pea-pickin' heart. And it was rad.
You were exactly what I needed at that chest-squeezing moment.
So thank you. Really.
Thanks for being my Main Squeeze,
MaRetard.

Dear Men Everywhere,
I'm going to let you in on a little secret that could very well change your universe: It is sexy when you listen. And I don't like that over-used word, but there is no other word for this particular thing. I know you think you've heard it before -- your woman wants you to listen to her and not just hear, blahblahblah, but really -- It. Is. The. Most. Attractive. Thing. In. The. World. When. You. Do. It. So try it out today and then you can write me a thank-you card.
Your Buddy,
Marie.

Dear Katelyn,
Thank you for sleeping so sweetly, so quietly, so easily right now. I needed this quiet little moment and I appreciate you. I love you so very very much! And your sticky-up hair, too.
Your Mom.

Dear Parents,
Wow, your computer room looks amazing.
I am very impressed. Thanks for letting me blog at your house.
Thanks for your overall awesomeness,
Your Third (and possibly favorite) Child.

Dear Fourth of July,
Did you know that you are one of my most beloved holidays? You really are. I look forward to you and the day in the sweltering heat and the relaxing with family and friends. And the glow sticks. And the fireworks. And I really am glad to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I really won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
Love,
Marie.

Dear F.C.,
Were you really in Disneyland when you left that message?
We should go together sometime. We don't even have to take the husbands or kids! We should just go. We should take all the awesome cousins sometime. That would be cool.
But maybe you were just at Reed's eating the chicken crunch salad?
Let me know!
I love you,
F.C.

Dear Friday,
Last night K.J. was sitting on the couch minding his own beezwax when suddenly he jumped up and exclaimed "Mom, tomorrow is Something Night!" It took me a minute. But then I realized. And said "You're right, Kaje, tomorrow is Pizza or Something Else night. Cool!" This is a fun tradition. I'm glad we thought of it. Thank you, Friday, for conspiring with me. You were my favorite of all days whilst growing up, and I still value you greatly.
You Got My Back, Buddy,
Marie.

Dear Old Testament,
You're taking everything I have, attention-span speaking. I admit I have neglected you and thrown myself wildly off schedule -- like probably forced a whole 'nother month of Old Testament reading on myself by my delay. I admit, I struggle with you. I'll admit it. I hope it's not sacrilegious to admit that. I don't want to struggle with you. I want to love you, like the other books of scripture. But I'm not giving up! My Eureka moment will come! Until that time, thank heavens for the Book of Mormon. That's all I gotta say about that.
Your desires-to-be-willing-but-the-flesh-is-weak Student,
MaRetard.

Dear Young Women,
I love you, Spring Chickens. I loved The Book of Mormon Laue, and thought your idea for a Book of Mormon ho-down was down-right awesome! You're like a breath of fresh air to everyone who gets to be around you.
Love,
Sista B.

Dear Everyone Who Reads My Blog,
You are a daring crew, I have to give you that. And I thank you for it!
In the name of the participial phrase,
Amen.