Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Some Of Us Have Issues

This morning I woke up after dreaming that my Aunt and I had come to an agreement over whether you can know what is right and wrong, and then supporting each other in our individual beliefs at the voting ballots... my whole family was there. I think we'd been called home to vote, sort of like -- to the land of our first inheritance? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what my Aunt's political persuasion is. I have no idea who she is going to vote for as president. I don't even have a political persuasion myself though I am most fond of our political system and take seriously my right to vote (thank you, Mom and Dad), so, you know... interesting. We all had to listen to a speaker before we voted. And my brother Jon had been called as the pianist, but what no one knew is he'd been called to fill in for God on the weekends. Everyone was snickering because he couldn't play, but I was mad, because they didn't even know all he was trying to do to help them! What a hard job!
It was strange.
I always dream vividly and -- let's say -- imaginatively. But lately I've raised it to the next level of interesting. I tell the Double B about it the next day and he's always like "Hm."
This is my general reaction from the the Double B: "Hm." Or sometimes, "Hmm." In most things.

And that's okay. He is who he is, I am who I am. Did any of you know a primary song that went "I know you, and you know me, we are as different as the sun and the see. I know you, and you know me, and that's the way that it's supposed to be!"
Anyone? Anyone?
I know it.
One year during the annual spring festival the lady that wrote that song came and orchestrated our whole program. There was no line dance to 'Achey-Breaky Heart' for the fifth graders that year! She wrote many songs for the occasion -- on every color and number. Being in the third grade, our songs were "Red, red, red -- somebody said -- red is DYNAMITE!!! R-E-D -- it's red!" and "Nine is a circle with a LINE!!!"
My parents said it was the longest spring festival they ever sat through.
But I still sing that "Red" song when the moment calls for it. Even my children know it.
You could say I'm passing on the torch.

This morning I felt able to speak, so I made my husband sit and listen to me while I spoke. Sometimes I have a difficult time articulating my thoughts when I'm a wreck of a human being, and I am not able to just go off on things because I would hate to deal with the collateral damage. I have collateral damage experience when my big mouth is involved. So while trying to discipline myself away from that, I have in a small way, damaged my ability to communicate what is really hurting inside. Which, really, it's a good trade, but still.
I had three topics that have been bothering me mightily lately:
1) I know kindness begins with me. And I think I'm messing it up.
2) I am struggling with change.
3) I am tired of being manipulated.

The Double B sat there and listened by force. His response was, in short, "I don't know how to help you. I don't understand that."
I know.
I was just hoping that articulating it could help me begin to rearrange my thoughts.
By nature, I am a deeply emotional person. My husband is... not. And that's okay. I think most people deal with those dynamics. And it really is okay. But I think every once in awhile I get stuck. And he's stuck, because we're both part of the whole.
Marriage is a most interesting and marvelous institution. I know I am a much better, happier person because of it. But there is certainly a great amount of interesting to it.
So I guess I'll just keep trying to figure this out.
Let's tackle these issues:

"Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." - Henry James.

"One can disagree without being disagreeable." - Barry Goldwater.

"What we have deeply loved we can never lose, for all deep loves become part of us." - Helen Keller.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

You're right. It is between me and God.
We're working together here, so surely we'll be able to work it out.
I think my feet will be back under me soon.

Until then, here is an Olivia story:
On Sunday she came and snuggled between her Mom and Dad, her favorite place to be in the world. Daddy asked her what she was doing. She replied "Well, I just thought I'd come and chill out with you guys."

Hope you guys get a chance to chill out today!
Good day... good day... good day.


Tara said...

I know that song!

*rOcKiN rIcHiNs* said...

i know the song....and i love the new blog look!

if it help...and hardly anything i say does, i truly think you are one of the kindest people on earth.


Jen said...

I really love those quotes!