Friday, August 31, 2012

The State of the Union

I woke up this morning praying for my Father in Heaven to help me with my feelings of discouragement. I literally woke up with that prayer running through my mind.
I was very surprised.
So I sat there mid-sentence, analyzing why that would be my first conscious thought, that I must have carried with me from sleeping mind... to ask for help with discouragement.
Still thinking about it.

It hasn't been the most red-letter week -- after praying for so long for guidance on where to go and asking for help while still trying to be profitable servants -- the Double B didn't get the promotion he has worked so hard for and... not even being biased here... deserved so much. The promotion he needed so we could move to the next phase of our lives. I cried. And I am not a cryer. But I was just so stunned. This is not the reaction my husband needed from his help-meet, because that brought to the front of his mind all his thoughts he'd been struggling with that he was a failure. Which, of course, the exact opposite is true! Naturally, his reaction brought me right back to where I needed to be -- comforter, friend, cheer-captain, defender -- and we briefly discussed our options before he decided not to think about it for his two days off. But he wasn't very happy and struggled I think more then he let on for those two days. I don't blame him. Last night we even got a little snappy(!) because he wanted the computer for the BYU game and I wanted the computer for the GOP convention so I could hear Mitt Romney's speech. A face-off. He won, naturally (I'm such a push-over for that kid), so I got the little ipod working and held it in one hand while loading the dishwasher with the other until he couldn't get the game going and headed over to my parents. So I got to watch Clint (that was kinda weird, though the part about Oprah and him crying made me laugh -- I totally cried at that speech, too) and Mitt large and on my couch.

Not that not getting the promotion is the end-all -- it's not, of course. But it just seems to be a hard time right now. In fact, since the middle of March, right when 29 came around. Parenting a ballistic teenager, losing something I loved very much, dealing with feelings of hurt and anger, uncertain about if we're in the right place or where we are heading... ugh. I don't know if this means I want a do-over or if I can just quietly creep my way to 30 and hope no one notices me. However; we are in good health. There is no feeling on earth that compares with fearing for your health or the health of someone you love, so -- let's be clear. Things are not that bad. Just a little struggle. Never hurt anyone. In fact, I think this was designed to be a growing time for me. I am trying hard to listen and learn so I don't have to repeat the lessons. I'd rather just move forward.

I thought the speeches I heard at the Republican National Convention were pretty darn good for the most part. I am excited to hear the Democratic National Convention next week. I don't like the slandering, but I do like hearing them lay out a good case and hearing their plan, and mostly I love being reminded of why I love being an American and why it is so important to work together and be kind and industrious -- something I think will save us. It's always nice to know we're not alone in our love and commitment to each other, don't you think? I personally think it's important to hear both sides with an open mind, too.  

Well, that's MaRetard today.
And one last thing... Katelyn really just hates this whole school thing. Brings her to tears every single day! Both tragic and adorable.


Elise said...

I get the discouragement thing. Hang in there. Hardly anything stays the same forever. Things will get better - or at least things will change and make life interesting. If I could I would bring you a plate of cupcakes today.

School IS tragic. Tell your baby that tears are 100% justifiable in this circumstance. She has Elise's blessing. Because I'm sure my opinion matters to her. :)

Ducksoup said...

oh man rieser i am so sorry you are sad. makes me hurt to think you are hurting. Heavenly Father must have something even better in store for Ben. I know things will work out and in time it will all be good. In the mean time, I am so sorry. Job stuff is sooooo hard and soooo stressful. I think the job hunting process is perhaps the only thing I have ever lost sleep over. So hang in there - - something great is going to happen.

Cute little Katelyn - - Maci hardly even knows what is going on. This morning I asked her where Braden was and she just pointed to the car.

You are my favorite. Love you tons!