Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The One Where I Talk In The Third Person... A Lot.

Let's pretend you already know that I am spastic and you are still going to like me for being human. Okay?
Now, let's talk. We'll pretend I am laying on the couch and you have your notebook and are ready to listen.

I am turning thirty in a couple of weeks.
Thirty, right? That sounds so weird, but I embrace it (plus, I can't change it. Not that I would. But still.)! I really feel like I earned a big old badge that says "30" in sparkly, fancy swirls about a year and a half ago, so really -- this is just a fulfillment of previous efforts. I think the Double B is sort of excited to not have to hear me bragging about being in my twenties anymore. I liked the twenties. They were good. Plus, talk about a learning CURVE. Ouch. Learned a lot. Not a bad thing at all. In fact, a very good thing, because I am so much more of a person leaving this decade of my life then I was starting it. Just think about how cool I might be able to be by the time I'm a granny-friend myself. Hopefully -- super cool! There is potential there. Let's go for it, buddy!

I learned a very, very critical lesson for the Happiness of Marie about two years ago. The Spirit taught me one day while sitting in a hard chair surrounded by noisy youth. I was feeling unrest about whether I would ever be able to have more children or if three was our grand flourish. It was really nice of the Spirit to knock on my thick skull on this occasion, but if I have learned anything, it is that the Holy Spirit is super nice. Seriously. The nicest. And I love nice. Through some thoughts and feelings that came to me, I learned that if I choose to be grateful, I choose to be happy. That's it. That's the secret to unlocking this particular hard heart. If Marie wants to be happy, Marie will be grateful. That was, actually, as simple as it sounds, a massive revelation -- it has changed my very thought process. I was also taught that this secret applied to the rest of my life, not just that situation. Let me tell you, it was a really useful thing to be taught. I have tried to apply it many times. I am certainly trying to apply it now. Every morning when I wake up heavy and angsty (awesome new word, you're welcome), I start trying to be grateful. Certainly, I ask for help. I think of blessings in my life, big and small. I think of opportunities and remind myself to take them. To live in the present, not the past and not the future. Now.
It is hard sometimes. Pretty much every day. I struggle.
Struggle is not bad, but struggle can make you tired. Do you know what I mean? Of course, I also know that struggle ends; so soon it will be easier and easier to nourish my hard heart with all that is wonderful, good, kind, gentle, home-like, funny, delightful, and above all else, BLESSED. That will come as long as I keep trying, I am sure about this. The clouds always part, the sun always shines through.
The sun even melts a foot and a half of snow, so that is good! The sun is powerful.

So... Thirty! Yay! I'm not going to lie, 29 was pretty darn hard. From start to finish. I am happy to put it behind me. The whole adventure marked "29" was a year of massive upheaval, in every sense of the word. There was a whole lot of hurt and anger to work through. The unrest of not knowing where we were going to be. And then the transition of knowing it is going to be very far away, and then being very far away. Sigh. It's just been a lot. I am ready to take a deep breath and put it behind me. Of course, there are always residual effects, and until I learn how to be far away from the people I love, I will always be dealing with that in some form. That's okay, because that is where we are in our lives. But "30" can be a new start. A reminder to Marie of the joy in every second. Of how much I love this life, and how much I have been blessed with. Every year at birthday time, I feel so thankful to Heavenly Father. Because, let's face it... he didn't have to give me this year... but he did. Out of the kindness, goodness, and mercy of his heart. So I will embrace it, and be grateful! For so many blessings that I can't even count them! So many moments he saved me and I didn't even know it! I have a personal knowledge that as my heart is ready, I will see struggles and clouds swept back in his might and power. So I will wait upon the Lord. Hopefully, with a heart more ready to be grateful. And a heart one year older and wiser, too.

1 comment:

Tink said...

Love your guts Marie. You are an amazing woman! Welcome to the 30's I'm glad you have joined the club, now I won't feel SOOO old, actually, I still do, But oh well.