Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Being Present

I am reading a book right now that my Mom and Dad gave me for my birthday. It is called Borrowing Fire. Re-writing the Eulogy for a Boy Named Wolf. by Ben Behunin. I had read his previous books and found them really interesting, so I was pretty excited for this one. I will also say it's the first book to catch my wandering mind in several months, so that it good. The author is a very quirky writer. It is an unconventional story, and maybe that's why it has caught me. It is a story of profound struggle and redemption, I'm sure that is part of why I like it. But here is what is getting under my skin: a reoccurring theme in the book is rocks in the shape of hearts -- that they are messengers, that they symbolize love and hope and peace and heaven, and are worth keeping. This is sort of funny, because on my birthday, Olivia brought me two tulips from Grandma B's garden and a rock she was so thrilled to give me, because it was in the shape of a heart. She was so proud to give it to me. I thought that was so sweet, and thanked her very much for her gift. But when it was time to go, I forgot to put the rock in my pocket. I didn't value the true gift that is was -- something precious from my little girl. And as funny as it sounds, it makes me want to cry when I read it in the story, and it makes me self-aware in a way I haven't been in a long time. I wish I would have kept that precious heart-shaped rock, because it would be the first and most prized in a very loved collection.
I am missing out on my own life.
As much as I have tried, I have left my present and have been floating above my current life. I realized this when I was walking the kids home from school yesterday and it actually affected me for the thought to occur that I live in Kansas City, Missouri. Then this morning when I walked home again from the school drop-off, I actually had conscious thoughts, for the first time in awhile. I have walked off into somewhere else, but now I want to come back.
I could use the companionship of phone conversations with my family, but I haven't been calling them. Sort of me hiding under a rock, if you will. How silly of me. How easy for me to change that. I pray and read my scriptures, and have only been seeing where I have been failing -- forgetting that in spite of a tough time for me, I am not reaching out to God in desperation, I have been talking to him all the time.
I want to be present in my own life. I will be searching for ways to do that.

1 comment:

Ducksoup said...

i love you to death and think you are amazing and wish i was a mother like you. really, that would be the best thing ever. hang in there. get some sleep. and enjoy that sun!