Friday, April 5, 2013

Just Me

 We have had a few beautiful, actual, real life SPRING days. Does my little heart good!
The girls and I had a great time on the porch yesterday.
We also learned that the boy that Olivia is IN LOVE with, Seth, lives just two houses away from us! Can you believe it? She played it cool as she greeted him walking home from school, but as soon as we got to our yard, she "fainted" -- twice! This is pretty much the biggest deal ever. We went right in so she could write him a note. It said "I like you. Do you like me, Seth?" Which we then sealed in an envelope and delivered. We also learned that Seth has an older brother just K.J.'s age, and his Mom is a very nice lady. All wonderful discoveries.
I had a lot of clarity yesterday. It was wonderful! A real blessing. The Double B got home from work early -- he's got the same gomboo I had last week -- and I told him all the ins and outs of my very faulty thinking right now. This isn't always the easiest, since the Double B is like the poster child for mental wellness. But I just went for it. I even got a few raised eyebrows like "woah, crazy" -- but I just proceeded. I figured I'd better let him know where I'm at. Which again, is sort of hard for me to do with my husband. Silly, right? Nonetheless, true. Maybe because we are just so different that some of our differences seem intimidating to me.
Here's the facts, ma'am. I have dealt with anxiety since I was twelve years old. Probably my free gift with the onset of puberty! With that comes the occasional panic attack -- much, much worse when I was younger. It seems to peak every few years -- 13 through 15, 18, early twenties, etc. I have been able to keep the lid on it very effectively for several years, but naturally a huge change is going to rattle that lid a little bit. It's certainly not like I've dealt with at my worst -- not even close. But it's strong. More a build on the things that I usually fixate on. For instance, as an adult, my anxieties have focused pretty strongly on a fear of flying. But after I had Olivia and had some problems they relaxed a bit on flying and started to fixate on my health. Big time. Then after I had Katelyn and had the same tests and more (and then dealt with the worst ultrasound tech this side of Afghanistan), doctors have become a real, serious problem. I can't even bear the idea of a doctors appointment. And if I ever have to go, my heart rate is through the roof (which just convinces me I have a heart problem, haha!). And as I discovered driving over the top of the rocky mountains in the middle of a snow storm last month, I now have an issue with driving in winter weather. Full on panic attack very narrowly avoided. I have spent years thinking I was pretty much a freakazoid and dreading that my fixation over my health was a premonition, until thankfully I hear a radio commercial for an anxiety clinic out here that talked about how fearing obsessively over your health is one of the most common issues with anxiety -- and anxiety iis something a huge number of people deal with. Funny how a radio commercial can make you feel so much better about yourself and your neurosis! But I don't think it was an accident I tuned in at that moment. Everybody likest to know they are not alone!
I have dealt with depression in various forms since I was fifteen. The worst time for me with that was at 15/16, but it's reared it's ugly head many times over the years, waiting for me to battle it back down. Depression and Anxiety are issues that run in my family, and something all of my siblings and I deal with in various forms and to different degrees. I've always known I come down more on the side of anxiety, with Depression being my little black dog that likes to follow me around sometimes. In fact, all of my brothers are hero's to me for many different reasons, but one brother and his courage in the face of overwhelming opposition in this area has inspired me forever to not give up in the face of total darkness. Light and strength always follow.
I guess that's what I was starting to fear -- my vision was narrowing and I'd lost much clarity in my thinking. The world was getting very, very small. But I'm pushing back against the edges and choosing to reenter the battle and not sit on the sidelines watching.
I realize that perhaps all of the things I have feared have to do with my overwhelming desire for control. I want control -- always, all the time, completely. This pushed me to be the most driven teenager yet -- and has caused me some confusion as an adult that chose to give my talents to God to use as he would, and live a quiet life -- relinquishing what I could. But never really giving up the desire to put all the chess pieces exactly where I want them. Where I want them. Laying in bed in the middle of the night, I wasn't quite sure which fear drove the other -- death or control -- but I've decided. Control wins. I even want to control the timing and path of my own demise, I guess. (Which I don't know if that translates as funny, but it kind of is. Haha!) So control wins! Congratulations, gigantic stick up Marie's butt. You are deemed champion and driving force!
I guess what I'd really like to do is show it to man.
I can excel at many things. I have shown that to myself over the course of my life. I can suck at many things. I have shown that to myself over the course of my life. But I would like to root this problem right out of my breast. I know it's possible, because the Lord and I have been working on it for a long time. That whole thing where he promises that if you confess your weakness before him, he will make your weak thing strong. I think we're going on five years with this our conscious, constant battle. And we're making headway. So I guess I won't let this little stumbling block keep us down. Well, me down. I know He hasn't ever really doubted me. And that's pretty stinking awesome.
So... that's pretty honest, right? I have decided I don't have anything to hide. I am my best self when I let me and everyone else see who I really am and where I really am. The Prophet Joseph Smith described himself as a rough stone rolling. I know the feeling. Big chunks getting knocked off -- sometimes painfully -- hoping that at the bottom of the mountain you are as smooth and steady as you set out to be.


Anonymous said...

Love you Marie! Thanks for letting us know you are as human as the rest of us. Also know I believe in you and all of your goodness.

Your FCS (favorite cousin's sister),


Tara said...

Thanks for being so open on your blog. I often have a lot of the same feelings but I'm not as good at admitting my weaknesses and being able to make them strong. You are such an inspiration to me. You are amazing.

Jennifer said...

hey, just wanted to thank you for your sweet sweet comment on my blog! Put a huge smile on my face! Have a good weekend :)