So a long, long time ago -- literally more then a year and a half ago -- an incident happened that pretty much wrapped my feelings into a ball and then destroyed them. I was deeply, deeply wounded. It was so injuring to me, which -- maybe I flatter myself -- but I don't think is really in my nature. I get hurt just like everyone, but I am usually pretty quick to brush it aside, to give that person the benefit of the doubt, and to try to forget about it and move on. But this event just cut me like a barbed wire. It was long and deep and jagged and festered. No matter how much I tried to keep the "infection" out, it was insidious and would creep back in. I would deal with one aspect of it and think I was done, and then *pow* it was back, and I was re-injured, over and over. Strange. It was very hard to deal with, and yes, I know... strange to relate. As soon as it happened I feared what it would try to do to me. And it did. It became a huge, massive stumbling block for me that I struggled with daily for a long time, and even throughout this year... still manifested itself often enough to let me know it was still an issue.
So unbelievably frustrating. For myself and certainly for the Double B and my Mom, the two who knew just what an epic wrestle it had become. What is interesting, is the people who really did most of the wrong totally lost my respect but were not the center of my anger. I got over that. There is always going to be a disstate, but whatever. It eventually whittled down to a focused hurt and betrayal directed towards the person I trusted to protect me and others from those types of things ever happening. Funny, right? I loved that person and knew they loved me, but just like they say -- the hurt and anger became a cancer, morphing my feelings into something else entirely.
The Lord has been there for stubborn little me, offering me help as soon and as often as I've been willing to take it, and we've made great strides. Totally almost there, except every time this person would come up, I'd cringe a little. Didn't have many positive things to say so I didn't say much. Then while my parents were here, we were discussing something involving them. I made some snarky comment and then realized what I'd done. I said "Jeez, it doesn't matter what they do, it's just never going to be right in my eyes, huh." My Mom looked at me in that way she does, where I know she knows and she is just going to let me answer that question myself.
The conversation pulled around a little and there was a brief discussion of why that was for me and if I was making progress -- and yep, I was almost there. The Double B was like "Good thing, for a while there I thought we were going to have to have a Come To Jesus. I thought I was going to have to really get after you and tell you to just get over it."
I was totally shocked by that comment because it came off as A) insensitive, and B) a little shocking -- he made it sound like I held some of the blame in this! How dare he! Ha ha. I let him know in no uncertain terms that it was a very good thing indeed that he had come to his senses, because that would have been very damaging to our relationship -- I just wasn't there yet. In fact, I just wasn't there until about a month ago, when I read a wonderful article about giving other people the power to hurt us. The premise was that NO ONE has the power to hurt us -- until we give them that power. And the deeper the wound over something like my situation, the more it is self-inflicted. And that had really hit home with me. I felt the truth in that statement for myself. You mean, all this time, even though it was a very unfortunate situation, the main culprit had been... ME? The one who had allowed my feelings to both be destroyed and stay destroyed was... ME? Let me tell you, that was some food for thought.
So we came to that conversation when the Double B said in so many words "Time to get over it, Bessy. Like, last year." And you know what? That jerk-face was right. Time to be over it. Like, last year.
And for the past two weeks, I've thought of that person with not a bad feeling at all. It feels pretty good. I hope that the last little cactus in this journey has been jumped.
Tonight as I was loading the dishwasher I thought of all of this and how at the time, I had practically begged the Lord to just get me out of that situation.
And He did.
He took me far, far, far away from the situation! Kansas City far!
So I guess He took that one literally...
Distance has been maybe a critical aspect in the things the Double B and I needed to learn this year. Maybe we simply could not have done it at home. When he tells me of the growth he's experienced and lessons he needed that he believes the Lord had no other way to teach him, I think "No, Babe, you didn't have that problem, you're the best!" And I know he thinks the best of me. But we've learned them because we had no other option. So maybe distance has been the teachers aide for us. So -- we've learned! Can we go home now??! :)