So this morning I ended up pulling a real Marie. I try to keep my imagination roped in, because otherwise it can really take me off into the wild blue yonder. The kids had eaten and headed off in various directions, I'd finished reading my scriptures and was just sitting there letting my thoughts wander. Then I randomly thought of a very vivid nightmare I had once that the Double B had been killed in a car accident and the police came to my door. At the time, it had of course ripped me right out of sleep at four o'clock in the morning, hyperventilating. Then I tried really hard to forget it, because it was the worst dream ever. But this morning -- since the Double B is at the dentist and all -- it came back to me and my imagination took off to the point that I was pretty much at the graveside, ready to be hospitalized. So then I'm sitting at my kitchen table, tears pouring down my face with little hiccups of the psychopath. This is so stupid. Honestly, I don't know why I ever do it, too. There were several acting classes I took where they would incorporate Sense Memory and you would do exercises like that to tap into those "difficult states." Those classes always stunk. So I'm not sure if that did it or if I'm a natural spaz (I lean towards option B). So once I'd realized that was the land of make-believe and I could, in fact, unload my dishwasher and know my husband was just at the mercy of a Dentist and would be home soon, I was all set. Just slightly annoyed I'd wasted all that salt water. A month or so ago I also had a day dream that Olivia was a teenager and we had a huge fight (I fear this on some level because she is the sweetest, sweetest little girl on earth) and she told me that I should have never sacrificed being an actor to be their Mother, that it was a huge waste. And that hurt my feelings SO BAD. And it was pretend. So... there's that. I was a little wounded for the rest of the day, too.
Marie + Subconsious = Future Medical Study
Honestly. I am so special, that is all there is to it. If I ever tell the Double B these things he just looks at me in total bafflement. He just can't believe that I create these scenarious, but then he knows me so well, he CAN believe it -- he just can't believe it. Does this make sense? The other night I was talking through a little phobia I have. My feet were on his lap and he just patted my leg and said "Honestly, and not to be rude, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with that." Ha ha. It's true, too! I told him I was glad he didn't, too, because he was rubbing off on me and I am becoming much more rational... a relief to us all.
I read an article on marriage yesterday that suggested that you are naturally attracted to the person who has the skills and attributes that you need to create a whole person within yourself. I thought that was a very interesting idea. I can't say it is always true, but I could see that applying to me and my attraction to the Double B. Although I would have never recognized that when I fell in love with him, but we do seem to hold complimentary gifts that are, over time, making us better people. He is certainly that person for me. In the article it said how the ability to create change and stretching is often extremely annoying to the individual spouses, so I felt lucky -- I am very, very rarely bothered at what he is able to realign inside of me. I'm usually just grateful, because heaven knows I need it! I like the Double B so well.
Last night the missionaries came over for dinner. We've had Sister Zito and Sister Grange (we adore the Sisters!) over twice since we had a little birthday dinner on the 23rd for Elder Andrus, so it was fun to have the Elders again. We love both sets, they are awesome. I'm so thankful my kids get the experience of having the missionaries in their home and seeing them as real but really great human beings. After they left my kids got a little nervous that Elder Andrus might be transferred soon -- he has been here quite awhile -- and they were very unhappy at the very thought. We really are attached to Elder Andrus, he's like a member of the family. Olivia even told me Elder Andrus and Elder Hepworth could live here for free and she could share her and Kate's room and they could all play with the doll house together! I thought that was pretty sweet. We love the missionaries, and even though I've said it before -- the opportunity to actively, often help them is probably our favorite part of living out in the "mission field." Go, missionaries, go!