Feels like a weird day.
The Double B was home, which I did not expect. He has to go in at 10 tonight and work the night away moving things for some floor fixer people. This morning at quarter to five when I woke up to Benson, I was mighty surprised to see my sweetheart still in bed. I thought maybe he'd overslept? But I knew there was no way ever he'd sleep that long on a regular day, so I figured I just had no idea what was up. I was right. He spent most of the day painting the hallway (we realized it's been waiting for oh...seven months or so) and doing some touch up. Poor man. He hates painting, and I am absolutely no use to him in that endeavor. So I watched him, watched the kids, dealt with an angry Benson who didn't want to sleep even though he was desperately tired...and oddly, still doesn't. He's having a sad little cry fest right now waiting for the sandman, but hey...he'll survive. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, tiny B. Go nighty night!
Guess what. Every day when evening sets in, BOOM! It's like an anvil comes and sits on my chest and I become incredibly sad and lonely. It feels like something is wrong. I thought that was sorta strange but very annoying, when my mother informed me on the telephone today that it runs in the family! She feels it, my grandma was the same way, and even my great Uncle Kay. Evening haters. So... awesome. Isn't that interesting? I thought so. I'll now sing "You're nooooot alone!" in a very rousing voice to myself. Go away, evening. All sun, all the time.
In the great classroom of life, I have learned something new about myself. Or let's say, I now understand myself better. I guess I always subconsciously knew it. Certainly had a few angry friends about it, but I just wasn't clear about what it was. Now I get it...early stages here. Acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery, right?
I totally have a problem with wanting to control. Even wanting to control others if I think I know the right thing. It is not a comfortable feeling, really, especially when you really love someone and fundamentally disagree with their choices, you (I) just kind of want to... make their choice for them (um, hello Satan?). I'm strange, I know. Not in a creepy way, let me assure you. In a "let me help you (even though you don't want it)" way. I'm sure you feel like that's just way better. Then I saw this quote like three times in a week, people. Hard to ignore! It's from Howard W. Hunter. He said "those who are filled with the love of Christ do not seek to force others to do better; they inspire others to do better." I've really been pondering that. I think he might have seen me in a vision, or something. Here is what I am beginning to learn from this lesson: 1) Chill out, girlfriend. 2) It can hurt to see some choices made, but they are not yours to make. That is; however, a person to be loved. 3) You don't love someone because you expect them to love you back. Love is a gift. No strings attached. 4) Those loved ones know how you feel about those choices, so no need, really, to hang on to it. Just let that person know you are there to love them and help when and if you can. 5) You are not accountable for their choices. Only yours. Thank heavens, because you have enough problems! 6) Have faith that the Lord can work mighty miracles in His children (including you, spazzy pants). 7) Please keep working on gaining some of that love of Christ.
I will keep pondering this issue. I know it's gotten in the way sometimes. I'm ready to learn and be better.
So glad we talked.
P.S. Don't worry. Benny is happily asleep.