Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Unfortunate Honesty

So something happened when I turned 32. I discovered that I want to be honest.
Somewhere along the way, I'd stopped telling my truth. Kinda strange, really. In an effort to be all things to all people... I lost my voice. Even in my own head. I never voiced my opinion, because that might be hurtful to someone somewhere in the universe. I hid. I learned I'm really good at hiding... being friendly but not letting people in, because what if. Then I realized that by not sharing what I really thought, really felt, I was... lying. Yikes. A sin of omission. I don't want that. What I do want is my voice back.
I am fighting with this girl inside of me to get her back, to be unafraid of her and what she thinks and what she feels and to give her freedom to share it honestly. It's actually kind of hard. Sometimes I take a bold step forward. Sometimes I take two steps back, do the hokey-pokey, trip over my shoes, and go skateboarding down the hill. But I'm determined, man. I'm thinking of growing a beard and calling myself Honest Abe.
I am lucky, because the Double B wants this for me, too. That's huge. He tries really hard to support me as I try really hard to even just vocalize what is going on inside of me.
I'm going to be honest writing this, so brace yourselves. I'm trusting our friendship(s) and am working on being more transparent. I guess you bear the brunt of that tonight. 
This is a huge period of transition in our lives, my life, and with it comes a lot of sorting of emotional baggage and assessing what I'm doing with my life. A lot of assessing of choices. God and I are having many discussions. I don't think I'm very good at hearing the answers right now, but I also know I need to exercise patience.
This last weekend was incredibly rough. A small thing happened, but it was big to me, and it just sent me into a total tailspin. I just couldn't even deal with it. In fact, it made me deeply angry. But all this was just rushing around inside of me, I couldn't get the guts to explain it to BB enough (at first) to ask for help. I'm always afraid what he'll think of me. It just built and built until I was just a wreck. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack. I just wanted to honestly ask God, why does what I want not seem to mean anything to you? I am still pondering that. It's probably childish, but it's a real question. My thoughts basically just circled, honestly asking him, wanting to know why don't my hopes matter? I have spent my entire adult life trying to do what I think YOU'D want me to do, never what I'd want. A constant struggle to bend my will to yours. And guess what, you always win. I always bend my will to you. But can't it EVER be what I might like, as well? I'm not asking for anything crazy here. Doesn't that count? Don't I get a choice? Doesn't what I want matter EVER?
I still don't know the answer to those questions.
I don't doubt him -- I know he's there. I know he cares and I know he blesses my family. But how long does it go on like this? How many years? Will it ever be different? I just don't know.
And it makes me so, so tired. Usually I can pick myself up by my bootstraps, but this one is hard. I'm exhausted and I guess I just want to roll around in the dust for awhile. So thanks for bearing my burden with me for a minute.
I guess that teeny thing -- I guess it was just the straw that broke the camels back. So the camel will just go around with a back brace for awhile. And that's fine, too.
I read something beautiful tonight that I knew was just for me. We all struggle.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I feel happy that you have moved back to this side of some rivers that were between us for awhile.

I struggle with a similar frustration with God at times. Mainly, I think it boils down to owning my decision to give up so much to have a family. I know deep down this is what I want, but sometimes I also want to escape and have a career or other adventures. It is stinking hard, man!