Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Hardest Part About Sunday

I have a conflict.

I love Sunday. I want Sunday to truly be the Sabbath Day in my mind and in my heart.
Also, I love primary. I'm good at primary.
More then primary, I love my children. They deserve my very best self.

The conflict is, by the time I get the children ready for church, get done being my most patient self with primary, and feed everyone, I am DONE. I'm out of patience. Out. Out of it. It is gone. So my kids get the mealy leftovers of Mom.
So often times, I'm after my kids all day because I used up what I had in primary. I have a sensory issue with noise that gets worse the older I get, and the noise of even my own four kids can deeply overwhelm me. The noise of a whole bunch of kids... is hard. It really scrambles my thoughts and upsets me a lot even though I have a smile on my face, so by the time I'm home, I often snap. I wish I was different, and I keep working on it. But what it really means is, for the last four years of this particular primary stint my kids get half (or a fourth or an eighth some Sundays) of a Mom on their Sabbath afternoon. No stories or cuddles, because I can't handle the simulation. I just want to be alone and tolerate company as best I can. I think that's why I sometimes feel discouraged that primary appears to be my auxiliary, because I'm afraid we'll always deal with this. I actually had to take anti-anxiety medication when I was called into primary again in August. My kids deserve a loving Sabbath Mom. But I'm being honest when I say that only some of it is in my control. Hard to explain, but still true. So I guess I'll keep working at what IS in my control.

I told the Lord I'd give everything I have in His service, and if that means giving up a little Sunday sanity, so be it! I will keep trying to dig deep into the reservoir of patience and will keep trying to be better every week. Working to find my own personal Sabbath Day in here, too.

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