Monday, May 9, 2016

Figuring Things Out

At the end of March, the Double B was offered a promotion. One of his assistant warehouse managers was getting his own building, and asked the Double B to come open it with him. That was a really big deal. Honestly, a very big deal. The new building was in Orlando, Florida. 
It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make. 
And I can't believe we're not going. 

I think part of the reason I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around it is that we had made the decision to go. We were 98% going. We had even told the kids, we are moving, and we are moving to Florida. 
But when the Double B went to talk to his own warehouse manager about it, he told BB that while he can't ask him to stay, and he can't give him that promotion right now, he WANTED him to stay and can maneuver him to the departments he needs to help him get to the next step fast, too. Maybe only putting him a year behind the Florida plan, but not uprooting the kids again and still be close to his aging parents. 
So we went back to the drawing board, and came out on the other side. The Double B feels very confident with this path, and I have to rely on his confidence right now. In all our praying and fasting to know what to do, all the Lord ever really told us was "that would be fine" -- about either decision. Honestly, I found it frustrating. It was the "better, best" I wrote about, and I so badly wanted a clear answer about which was which. But the answer was simply. "It's up to you. That would be fine."
I think a lot of my fear in staying is that it could hold the Double B's career back, and I love him SO MUCH, and we've sacrificed so much, that I can't bear that idea of holding him back. It's honestly painful for me. He's worked so hard, we've uprooted so much, we know there is change in the future, anyway... and we don't take the promotion, hoping this strategic decision works? That honestly scares me. 
And I know we're not supposed to be afraid, blah blah blah. But I AM. And I'm kind of sick of trying all the time to be stronger then that. I love this crazy man, he works so hard, he has a dream, I've sacrificed so many of my own dreams, he has to provide for this family, I WANT him to have his dream! If he wants to be a warehouse manager, I want that for him and will sacrifice many comforts for it. So, staying? Rolling the dice and hoping it was the right choice? That scares me. That really scared me. 

And sometimes the fear of that is bigger then the relief of staying. I pray and fast to feel at peace, and sometimes I do. But I'm stubborn, and I kick against the pricks. So it's probably hard to reach me sometimes. Maybe I'm supposed to learn here (again. Constant lessons. Exhausting!). So I guess I'll try to be patient and look. 

The funny thing is I think I got so used to having to take the hard path that I actually don't know how to take the path you'd really want, anyhow. It has totally put me in a tailspin. I have spent more time questioning my every life choice the last two weeks, my worth, and my contribution then I maybe ever have. I feel useless. I feel like a girl that gave up her dreams and has nothing to show for it. I feel like a mediocre mother when that's the job I chose, and I'm not very good at it, anyway. And I feel trapped in this cycle, because there is nothing I can do about it, and that won't change for a long time.  
And I know logically that none of those things are true. That is just how I feel. I know that my Father in Heaven would never tell me those things. I know He would tell me that I can figure it out. And I will. 
So I'm going to accept that sometimes I'm afraid. That there is still time to reach my goals. That I can find a dream again. That I can contribute. That I am the Mother I am meant to be, and I can use the enabling power of the atonement to become better. And I'm going to be patient with myself. Because I will figure it out.  

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