Sunday, May 29, 2016

Sabbath Day

The neighborhood pool finally opened. The kids were so, so, so happy! 
While there watching the kids I made my best Vegas friend yet. His name is Darrell and he's the security guard at the pool. He mentioned he has Asperger's and it took us about two seconds to realize we're both LDS. We covered a whole range of topics; including how weird wards can be, the Kansas City Royals, jobs, families, race relations, and he assured me many times he'd jump in fully clothed to save my kids, if needed. Darrell is the best! I am excited to spend the summer chatting with him. 
Today KJ, the Double B and I all had to talk in church. Our subject was the Priesthood and how it has blessed our lives. I never really know how those things go. But we survived with only minor injuries. 
One last thing that has had me laughing all day. This morning we were all piled on the couches in the front room, except Katelyn, who was playing on the computer. All of the sudden she yelled in to her siblings with that proud voice of someone who feels incredibly clever "You know what only costs fifteen bucks? Yourself!!!"
We all just cracked up. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Best burn ever! She was pretty pleased with herself. 

Before I forget, this is a little paper Liv wrote about Benson that I thought was pretty special. 

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

These two are bosom buddies. It makes me so happy to see them be so devoted to each other. 
Katelyn went to school this way. As a prisoner, basically. But I couldn't convince her otherwise, and I decided that some days you've just got to look insane, end of story. Look how happy she is. Melts my heart! 
Would follow his sister anywhere. 
They really do just have the best time together. BFFs. I'm so glad. 

Orchestra Medal

We got a special invitation notifying us that KJ had been selected for an award and got to go to the morning assembly. 
He received the orchestra medal for excellence in music! Pretty awesome. I was so proud and very excited for him. 
It's a big honor. He rocks and is so talented. I love this picture, even though it's blurry. You can see he is so pleased.  
This is Livi finding out she'd made it into the GATE program. She tested in and was so excited to have accomplished that! 

Kindergarten Graduate

Kate the Great graduated from Kindergarten. It did, in fact, make me wax nostalgic. 
She did a great job on her program and said she wants to grow up to be an artist. 
Here she is with her wonderful teacher. 
Katelyn is incredibly smart. She exceeded her grade level in every subject, and passed off 287 sight words! That is a third grade level -- literary genius! 

Benson had a long morning between KJ's award ceremony and Katelyn's graduation. Just as he was about to lose his marbles, refreshments were provided. Tender mercies! 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Emma's Baptism

My niece Emma was baptized last weekend in Salt Lake. So we headed up after Hadleys birthday party (an event Olivia assured me was not to be missed!). We had a great time. 
I made the children pinky swear to get along and also declare their undying love for each other before we left. It seemed to work. I found a few funny selfies on my phone to enjoy. 
We stopped in my home town of Nephi to eat at Reeds  (greatest of all the Dives ever) and stretch our legs. The kids loved playing at the park, and it was fun to have them doing the same things there I did as a kid. 
The Double B pushed me on the swing and I'm pretty sure I almost flew into space! So fun! I felt like a kid again. And was slightly nauseous for the rest of the weekend, but oh well. That's the price for fun, I guess! Worth it. 
Karen took this darling picture of Benson. She always gets such good ones! 
We got to go to Emma's Elsa/Frozen party, and the kids had a ball. Balloon animals and everything! 
We stayed at Aunt Jan's and were spoiled rotten, naturally. We always have such a good time there and feel so welcome. My kids are ready to move in! 
Emma was baptized on Sunday and it was so tender. I love my little niece. And then we headed south again! Adventures are a good thing. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Picture Stories

Tonight YaYa was cuddling Brother in her blankie. He loved it, and loves her, so much! We are all incredibly lucky to have Olivia. She is Mini Mother in our house and is incredibly loving and kind. My right-hand woman. She is such an example to me! 
She always says she wants to have 12 kids and I hope that works out for her, because she'll be amazing. I also think she'll become a multi-thousandaire off babysitting in her teen years. She is a born nurturer. It is a gift! 
Katelyn LOVES to text with Grandma A. Grandma always makes Katee Jill feel so, so good about herself, so her new thing is to have me take a super cute picture so we can send it to Grandma (along with lots of Emojis). Grandma is an excellent sport about her complimenting duties. Here are two recent pictures sent her way:
The posing -- she's a natural! She is really a beauty, inside and outside. One of my favorite things is how dark Kates eyes look. If you are any distance from her, they look very dark and you assume they're a dark brown/black. But they are actually a deep blue. I've never seen another pair like them. 
Yesterday Daddy had to pull out his clippers for his mani/pedi duties. He is the official nail man at our house and always has been (I accidentally cut KJ's tiny finger as a baby and I permanently bowed out after that). He helped Benson, Kate and even Liv a little. I love how Benny just sits there all chill. He knows the score! 
And I just had to include this tower, because it's the cutest thing in the world. 
The End. 


I've needed this advice lately. 
My head is not a healthy place right now. This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I accept it, I'm strong enough to fight, I can see clearly enough to recognize it is a part of me but not all of me, and not a personal failure. A quirk. 
But every once in awhile, I get so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I simply don't want this. Frankly, some days the feelings that I am a failure and that I am meaningless are overpowering. The side if myself that still sees reason tries to say there is still hope and time to accomplish, that there is another way of looking at things, that my Father in Heaven or my family would never tell me such things. But the lies are strong and sometimes they are so much louder. My anxiety is so high right now. The waves of sadness are profound. Normally they don't visit at the same time, but here they are. It's like someone is crushing my chest, and I'm just waiting like an empty can of soda pop to shrivel up and then disappear. 
I used to struggle with aligning this struggle with the blessings in my life. Like how can this be real if there are so many other trials, and I've been given so much. But I am learning something, after all these years. I have carried this cross since I was twelve years old. My life is beautiful, with more blessings then I can count. But seeing signs in my children makes me sad. Knowing it is an ancestral struggle helps me understand. This isn't the worst thing. It isn't terminal. But it is ravaging. You know what it is? 
It is a life sentence. 
And sometimes that is hard to deal with. 
I don't know if it's time to go get some help with medication. Maybe it is, and if it is, I wouldn't be ashamed of that. But maybe I can claw my way out again. I don't know. I'd like to if I could. 
This is my history, and sometimes history is ugly. But I think I'd rather live in my truth then have no one ever really know me. They are simply things that are difficult to say out loud.