Today

Today is a down day. Yesterday was a down day, but today the tide is strong. That is what it feels like inside my mind, when sadness comes to crush me -- that I am standing to my ankles in the water at the edge of the ocean, and a giant wave comes and knocks me over. I am injured, and wet, and the water is trying to drag me back into the ocean, even as I claw for solid earth and safety. I think that is okay to recognize the force of the ocean while not wanting to stay there. If my clothes get wet and my hands get muddy, that is okay. I was blessed this year to be taught and understand that no feeling is actually bad, I was meant to experience them all. So I try to let go of resistance and anger, while still recognizing that I have swam in that ocean and I'd rather not do it again, and I need to keep pulling up to the beach. Honestly, my kids will be okay if Mom wasn't on her A-game today. I may be on the couch in the other room but I'm not in my bed asleep. My husband will be okay if he's not priority one today. He's 37 and has taken care of himself pretty well up to this point. Tomorrow will be better. I can trust. I will keep working and processing and not give in to the pull of the tide, and soon my clothes won't be so heavy and the sun will dry me.