Seeking Thomas

I had the most magical weekend. I really did. I can't wait to tell you all about it and will give the full report tomorrow. 

I shared these thoughts in RS today because I was very compelled to, and a friend sent a text tonight asking me to write them down. So I'll share them here now, and then report all our fun tomorrow (it's a whole heap of fun). 

We were discussing being able to see clearly in class today, and I'd been having some thoughts run through my brain. Then the music of The Lamb of God and the story of Thomas came up. So here you go. These are my Sunday thoughts. Love you all. 

I've always felt an affinity for Thomas. This amazing disciple that followed the Savior so well, and after all his efforts we somehow remember him for only this one human moment, to such a degree that we even call him "doubting" Thomas. I wish we could change that name and maybe call him Human Thomas, or Seeking Thomas, or Trying To Understand Thomas. 

I believe there is a time and a place for everything, that we ebb and flow, that we go up and down, and that this is actually a beautiful thing. That this is the human experience. That it is for our experience, that it all works together for our good. I believe that there is a purpose for this constant movement. 

I am so touched by the music to The Lamb of God. My son KJ is a musician and got to play in it a few years ago, right before the pandemic. He loved the music so much, he played the soundtrack in our home often and practiced constantly. But during this time, I really was a broken person. I was so broken. And when we went to see him perform, I knew that it was beautiful, but I couldn't feel it. I objectively knew that it was very beautiful music and a strong witness, but I wasn't able to feel anything. 

Now my son is in a place of trying to figure things out and trying to understand, and that's normal, that's part of the flow of life. After talking to him one night recently, on a whim I decided to put on The Lamb of God in my earbuds. I wept through the entire thing, tears of absolute joy and gratitude. I could feel it! I felt deeply that I can once again sing the song of reedeeming love.

I believe part of being where we need to be is simply working for the ability to wait and hope. Like Seeking Thomas. I don't believe that God is upset with us for having a human experience, I actually believe that's part of it! God does not get mad at us for that. I know this for sure, I've tested it out. We can be as angry as we need to be, upset or confused or anything else for as long as it takes. But God is not upset. He is just waiting for us with arms extended, happy for each step we take forward. 

Every one of us is having a different experience, our own pain and growth. Maybe we can see clearly, or maybe it's hazy or foggy, or maybe we are looking through a glass darkly. Wherever and whatever we are, it's okay. It's just part of it. It really is okay to be where you are. 

You will have the opportunity to move forward. Even if it is slow, even if it takes a long time. 

My testimony is that God gave us Jesus Christ to help us make up every distance. He knows why we feel the way we feel. He knows why we do the things that we do. And he is patiently waiting for us, with great love and patience and his arms extended.