Thursday, October 29, 2009

General Opposition

In a desire to join the vocal minority, I have decided to list a few things I am opposed to. I am hoping that by being obnoxious enough I can create change. 'Cause I'm all about change, baby. I'm all about change.

Things Marie is opposed to:

1) The Cold. I. Hate. It. I especially hate it when I am walking my poor pedestrian children to school. I swear it is trying to devour us. And dangit, I have rights! I have rights, and the Cold is infringing on those rights. In a true desire for justice, I have decided to contact the American Civil Liberties Union. Because I have decided to take cold on -- in big way.
Prepare to lose your shorts in court, Cold!
Global Warming is starting to look real good right now. Where's the law suit against people trying to keep the cold? They are infringing on my rights, my brother! I want it warm, and I want it warm now. Hang the consequences! If there are any. Hang them!

2) The Wind. (Please see number one. Law suit pending.)

3) The fact that my stomach looks like a tiger. Raaawwr. Especially this one stretch mark I discovered this morning while preparing to shower -- it looks like I have had surgery around my belly button -- a good two inch direct line. And I am opposed to it. I am very, very opposed. The Double B and I had a date last night in which there was actual conversation (yippie), and somehow, stretch marks and post-motherhood boobies came into the discussion. It's sad, really. And he's a good, good man. He said it doesn't matter at all to him, but really -- it's gotta matter a little bit. It matters to me, and I'm only half of the people who have to see it! So I can't see it not mattering at all. I kindly reminded him that if in middle age he gets sick of this post-pregnancy body and decides to leave me for someone hotter, he'll just get her pregnant and then she'll look just like me. Oh yes... it was a threat. Isn't the Double B lucky to get to listen to me all the time? Really, I just don't know how he lives with his good fortune! It must be hard to take all the bliss. Hard, hard indeed. I try to look at it like a character written by Shannon Hale "You broke it, you bought it." HAHAHA! I laughed about that one for a week. But I'm still opposed to it. I want to banish the stretch marks. But keep the children. And I'm opposed to the fact that it just aint happening.

4) I am opposed to the fact that opposition #3 became way more extensive then it was intended to be. But as The Pioneer Woman, basically my best friend, says: Just keepin' it real. Just keepin' it real.

5) Peeing the bed. I am really and very and seriously morally opposed to having my children pee in my bed. Because somehow (and I will go so far as to say miraculously), it's always on my side and it's always like a 6 foot radius of pee. I don't. Understand. She is small. So very small. And she went potty before bedtime. So how can there be that much pee? I just don't get it. And I am opposed. My daughter and I are in litigation as we speak.

6) Dmitry, from Dancing With The Stars. Because he is just so darn adorable that I am opposed to it. I am a married woman. I told the Double B I'm sort of having an affair with Dmitry. And he said that was okay. He is a very understanding man. Dmitry, my little Russian Rumba hero... I am going to have to oppose you. No more cuteness!

7) Crazy people, I oppose you.

8) I oppose opposition seven, because that sort of means I oppose myself. Let's just say, I oppose craziness in others. In myself, I embrace it. Because that's just the kind of person I am.

9) I oppose this list. And reserve the right to oppose more later.

I'm all done opposing now!
Since I've brightened your day, I'll go one step further and share the hilarious things my children said this morning, and all before scripture study! Enjoy. I know I did.

"Mom, when I get home from school can we call and see if Grandpa can come over and play?" - Kaje

"Why do whales live in the ocean?" - Kaje
"It's the only place big enough for them, I guess" - Mom
"Oh... you mean they're too big for a fish bowl?" - Kaje

"What is going on in here? I need to put on twolthes?" - Livi

Final Count of the use of the root word "Oppose": 18. You're welcome.


Emily said...

OOOOH!! It must be 21 degrees with a windchill temperature of 6 degrees there, too right?! How exciting for you! I just love this weather. *excuse me while I go vomit, now*

I guarantee I would want whatever "cold" temperature you have. I will trade you in a heartbeat. And I will support you and testify even if necessary to banish the cold! FOREVER!

Emily said...

I'm sorry, it's a windchill of 3 degrees right now...not 6.. I don't mean to mislead you. *sigh*

Ducksoup said...

i am with you. i oppose the cold too. i will testify against cold on the witness stand for you. i can't stand it. i am back to my pajama days...well sorta because i've been sick but i swear the cold has something to do with it. your children are too funny. i loved the fish bowl comment.

elise said...

Bless you, internet friend Marie! I think you broke into my brain and STOLE my list of things that I oppose, particularly item #1. And #2. And the crazy people, I can't remember what number that was. Can I add a #10? Thanks!

#10. Hateful people. People who are angry and mean for no reason. I oppose you, Haters. Also, people who are so opinionated that they are jerks about it(#10-a).

Also, way to go on having a conversation with your husband while on a date!

Kamille said...

Wow. I think that I have other things I oppose, but I don't need to take up all the space of your post in a comment. So there.