1. Do not, under any circumstances, eat a whole half of a box of mini Charleston Chews in under four minutes just because they taste really, really good at that moment. Moments later, you will regret it. Badly.
2. On any given Sunday, do not tell your adorable group of Young Women that you will do something on Tuesday that you neither feel good about at that moment or at any moment between then and Tuesday. Because you will have to call them and tell them you're canceling and will just stick with the original plan. They will be disappointed, and maybe a little bit mad. And you will regret this, because you A) knew better, and B) love them so much you just hate to see them disappointed.
3) Don't eat the Charleston Chews like that. Seriously, dude.
4) Go ahead and think that nice thought. It feels good, and people like you better. And if you are struggling to express nice thoughts, don't keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole with your husband. It makes you look stupid. He is such a nice man, but we all have our limits.
5) Understand others limits.
6) Please, I am begging you, do NOT eat the Charleston Chews like that. You will regret it!!!
7) Please understand that you don't have to keep pushing the 'shift' key while typing. It screws up all your letters, and that can be confusing for the mother-of-young-children type.
8) Watch 'The Biggest Loser' finale tonight, and if you don't feel like maybe it's the wrong thing to do, say a little prayer for Danny. Because Danny is such a stud, such a great guy, and he deserves to win. He deserves his life back. Love him as much as I do, America. And then, if you're like me, ponder if The Biggest Loser would take you and dream of Jillian as your best friend. 'Cause that girl has 'real life psycho' in her eyes, and I seriously love her. Love her. I advice you to love her, too.
9) Give your kids a hug. A big hug. A giant hug. And smother them with a big juicy and unsolicited kiss.
10) And finally, probably the most important advice I can give today: Do not, under any circumstances, eat half of a box of mini Charleston Chews in under four minutes. I may soon be in a sugar coma, and this is the message I want to leave with you today. The End.