Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Wool Over His Eyes

Last night we went to a little gathering with friends. It was great fun.
(I know, we have friends... AWESOME!)
At some point in the conversation, it was revealed that The Double B never reads my blog. I mean never, never, never. The only time he has any idea at all what I have written is when I force him to sit down and listen to me read it to him. He will then give me a polite smile and say something like "that's very nice."
Our friends were pretty surprised, especially since he is such a frequent topic of conversation on this here little record. "Really?!" They asked incredulously. "You never, never read what she has written about you?"
He made up some lame excuse of "not knowing how to get onto blogs." It is a crime against humanity that he would make such a claim. And, in it's own special way, a bold-faced lie. He could do it, he just doesn't want to do it.
Which is fine. Honestly. I kind of like the ultimate power I have knowing he will never read what I write here (unless I die first, and then he will read it out of guilt. If he goes first... S.O.L., I guess). I could say things like this:
"My husband is a real life as-seen-on-t.v. psychopath. Seriously. He should be medicated."
And he would never know it!
But I won't say that. Instead, I might say something like:
"The Double B has a very nice tush."
Which would mortify him beyond belief that I would say that on this public forum. But it can't hurt him that I said it (And I stand behind my statement -- haha, behind.)! It can't hurt him because he'll never know.

Sometimes my Double B will come home from work and say he had the weirdest conversation with someone we know. It troubles him until he realizes they must be teasing him about something I wrote about him on the blog (hint: they called him The Double B). This might make him curious for a moment, and even ask me what I wrote. I will laugh and say "nothing, buddy, nothing!" And here's the clincher: he won't even check. He just files it away in the trash receptacle of his brain and banishes it from troubling him any more.

He is the most fascinating person. Really. Most of the time I just have no idea what he is thinking about.

I love you, Double B.
Of course, you'll never read that statement.
But I thought maybe I'd send it out into the universe, just for you.


Ducksoup said...

so funny. ryan does check our blog now and again...think he mostly just skims through it and looks at the pics. but that is understandable. my writing vs. yours. he is crazy not to read what you write. you have more blog talent than even the famous bloggers (which someday the world will catch on and you'll make thousands - - we still need to make you a button). so, please pass this little note onto the double b. you can just read it aloud to him.

dear double b,
you know i think you are awesome. i have always approved highly of marie marrying someone like you. and, like her, i have thought for many years that you are perfect. today, from reading her blog, i found you have just one fault. i was shocked to hear that you forget to read your wonderful wifes writings. they are always very clever and informative and thought provoking. please from now on check her blog each and everyday for a post. then you will be perfect again.
thank you,
your favorite fc-in law

p.s. i did just think of one other fault: not requesting the ute stampede off. don't worry though, i am going to call you in june and remind you to do so :).

TeamDall said...

I am totally repenting for not reading your blog for the last little bit. CONGRATULATIONS!!! We're so excited for you and I hope that you're feeling okay and not ready to die. We love you!!!

RoseAnna said...

That is really funny. Poor little double b. I too am a blogger slacker and failed to learn of your exciting news. just because I haven't been over to visit in a while does not mean that my love for you is less. It is even more because...well just because. Congrats on the pregnancy. Lets be friends. the end.

Jen said...

Does he know about Benward? Because I'm pretty sure I brought that up once, but I can't remember his response.

This month: Virginia Pierce A Heart Like His, March: The Catcher in the Rye, by Salinger. Can't remember if I've told you that or not.

Kamille said...

Spencer was told he was in big trouble by my father in-law once, and by his coworker another time because I vented about it on my blog. He decided to start checking periodically so that he knows if he's in trouble since my conversations are less clear, I guess.