I stayed up too late last night.
All in the name of the Biggest Loser and to beat my Tetris record. Which I did -- more then 22 million points now! A fifty-five minute game played in the dark while crunched up on slouched pillows and my glasses pulled down my nose so I could see. A game so long that my arms actually fell asleep, but even that was not enough to make me stop.
I'm not proud here, people. I'm just giving you the facts.
The Double B regrets ever getting me that game for my DS (yes, it is mine and mine alone), which I told him he would -- regret is just one of those things -- but still. I only play it at night once I'm in bed. Usually while sort of watching comfort reruns, because then, of course, I don't have to give it my full attention. It helps me wind down from the day and stops my little brain from overheating. I just have this thing, where if left too long, it reactivates and tries to solve the problems of the world.
Last night it was stuck on woman as under-dog. I used to make myself absolutely insane over this (the Double B also), but not anymore. Now it's just mostly interesting and still mystifying mind play. Thankfully, God has informed me (and I've finally been able to listen), that daughters are magnificent and don't have to prove their worth and suffer only from less upper-arm strength, really. Also that sons are marvelous, too, and can't exactly help it if some of their kind are aggressively stupid and they shouldn't all be judged by that fact, just as we shouldn't all be judged by the fact that some of our kind have green skin and carry around broom sticks.
What surprises me is how so much of the "little woman" still exists on a subconsious level for people. Once upon a time, I was in a discussion where an upcoming speaking event was discussed. There were only men on the panel planned, and in true "I must love to set myself up" form, I mentioned this as an item of concern. For instance -- WHY were there only men chosen to speak when half of the audience will be made up of women? Why is so easy to forget how much a woman speaker has to offer -- which is, of course -- as much as a male speaker? Different places and thought processes, which are equally valuable to all of us. I tried to make light of it, but of course, it is a real question that I wouldn't mind having answered. (I really must love to set myself up, I've certainly done it enough times.) The men in the conversation jumped right on board and made many "Oh, ho, here she comes" type of jokes and comments, which were fine and I had it coming, but then it went over the line. A comment was made that was not only extremely passive aggressive and sexist but so very very false. The whole room stopped. Half of that may have been because I literally had to shut down at that moment to contain myself. I closed my eyes, concentrated on my breathing, and literally went inside myself to reign the lioness back in. I've always had that problem.
Luckily, my big brother was there to save the day as he has so many times in my life, and knowing how very upset I honestly was, made a joke and skillfully led the conversation back onto safer ground. This experience was just waiting for me to not go to bed early enough so it could come back and haunt me.
The day it happened I told the Double B about it, with the disclaimer "I know, I totally set myself up." He just shook his head, looked steadily at me, and advised "When that happens, you need to not get upset. You need to just feel sorry for how stupid the people who make those comments are."
Which could be why I married him.
One of the reasons, at least.
He's got experience and knows how to handle me. For the most part, of course.
I am thankful for Tetris but not so thankful that I can't see that no one in their right mind needs to reach 22 million points.
I am ... special. Let's leave it at that.