Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Other People's Kids

I am kind of wishing right now that I did a lot of things sorta better then I do. For instance, I wish I woulda slept better last night. It is 6:31 a.m. and my family is sawing logs. I; however, being the rebel that I am, slept exactly one hour and twelve minutes, from 4 (last time I looked at clock) to 5:12 a.m. when Olivia came fussing and thrashing into my bed to ruin my brief respite. I must admit, I took it very well for being a tired woman!
I'm just gonna be honest with my feelings here. I'm not usually very good at being completely honest with how I really feel, so if at any time you would like to look away from my honesty, please go ahead. I will diligently try to post something happy on this poor little blog of mine later in the day. You may want to check back then. So, wishing for my own mental health I was better at being honest, I'm just gonna wear everything on my sleeve for a minute.
I am frustrated.
Frustrated with myself, super frustrated with the actions of others, and then frustrated with myself again, because I believe in Jesus Christ. Don't I praise His name that He forgives me and loves me and intercedes in my behalf? I truly do. I love Him, and want so badly to be His disciple.
So I forgive seventy times. And then the painful blistering wound my whole entire family suffers is ripped back open again by people I just can not understand and I just want to hate, because I hate the feeling of that terrible wound oozing all over my insides. And then I remember it's good to forgive seventy times, but I must forgive seventy times seventy times. And I WANT to forgive that many times!!! Truly, I do. I believe Jesus is serious when He tells me that my sin will be greater then theirs if I refuse to do this. I believe he tells me this out of love. I believe it's a gentle but very serious reminder of my own accountability. And I sincerely hate the feeling I have in my chest -- that horrible, corroding feeling -- when I am angry. But I AM angry. I feel so hurt that incomprehensible people would hurt those I love, those I know so worthy of being loved, so forcefully, so callously, so unfeelingly, and for WHAT? For stupid, greedy, damning things. For things that make me scared in their behalfs.
But maybe I should be scared in my own behalf, because I tossed and turned all night -- begging for respite -- but apparently unwilling to let go and have faith that NO MATTER WHAT it will all be okay. That they can not take goodness and happiness and legacy and love. Unable to mourn for what really hurts because it's so painful to look at and feel at that time of night that it's just easier to be stung by other people's kids then to face head on that terrible loneliness.
So I wish I did that better. I wish I did that a lot better. I wish I did a lot of things BETTER.
I'm sorry that I had to share that with you, but sometimes the glow of the computer screen is easier to talk to and I guess you might as well know the real me and take it or leave it. Either way, it's okay. I have a family that loves me.


Jill said...

I love you Rie. More than you'll ever be able comprehend. - enough said.

Emily said...

You are so not alone in your feelings. I always have and always will love you! Near or far (which it's been way too long since we've been near) You are such a sweet, kind and loving soul! You are so passionate and COMpassionate! You are amazing and a wonderful wonderful example! Thank you for being you!

Kamille said...

I don't know the back story to your post; however, I appreciate where your heart is. I don't know much. I do know that it takes a big person to forgive (SO DIFFICULT), and the Lord knows the true intent of all hearts. Forgiveness isn't worth anything if we aren't ready to do it. It's not one of those things we can fake. However, when it is over, the relief felt is so sweet. I hope you sleep well soon.

Tamari said...

You are not alone in your feelings, know that. And please understand that you are on the right track. You are trying your best, that is all you can do and it is fine to have moments of self reflection and frustration. Even prophets in the scriptures have it out with themselves ones in a while. I love you dearly and hope you can work through this and I am here for you any time, day or night! :)

Ducksoup said...

hi rie--thanks for your so-well put post. i am with you 8,000 percent! i usually hear what's going on from tina and i hate to admit this but the whole thing makes me so angry. when i say, "i hate them" she just says, being the christlike soul she is, "it's not good to hate". so i have lots of work to do! i even dreamt i saw one of them and they tried to hug me and i refused! after doing what they are doing to our family, i didn't want them to lay a finger on me. GREED!!! i tell you what. the whole thing is so shocking to me. why do they have to do this. we would never do it to them. and then i read the scriptures and i read about the wickedness that will occur and that there will be opposition in all things. and then i try and tell myself it's just stuff. but i still can't feel better about it. sarah, my good friend from st. louis always tells me, no matter what the situation, "it will all work out. it always does. we'll just pray about it." has she really just been a convert for less than two years? well my heart goes out to you FC. and i hope i can get nicer really soon. i want to be a nice, CHARITABLE person...just like granny was! i have the same wish as nephi...to shake at the appearance of sin.

...and on a brighter note we are having springlike weather here in michigan today and have been outside not freezing to death! i love you oodles!

The Farnsworths said...

I'm sorry you had such a horrible night. I've had those before and they are NOT something I wish to experience anytime soon. I don't know what happened, but I can understand the pain and hurt, because I've felt that before for my own reasons. Sometimes it does take effort and strength to be able to forgive...sometimes you have to find that strength through Jesus Christ...sometimes it takes time...

I love you, my friend! I will miss living next door to you when we finally move. But let's not think about that too much until the time comes.:) Let me know if there is a weekend sometime soon when you are available! We'll go do something to get away from the madness of life's troubles.:)