Last night I had the most fascinating experience.
I was reading a blog I haven't read for a few weeks because I was mad at the person who writes it. Granted, I don't know the dude. I just know I felt like he was doing something crazy, wild, irresponsible with his life -- and you know what? I just didn't think he knew the best way to his own happiness.
Isn't that interesting?
Doesn't that make me sound... well... like a total creep?
I will say that his situation paralleled one I know well in real life and that has caused a lot of terrible pain to the people not making the decisions. So I, naturally ('cause as we have proved, I'm Marie), decided I understood the whole situation and had better knowledge then he did of how soon and in what manner he should be happy.
Wow... I really am a creep.
It's creepy how creepy I am.
So last night the thought came to me "You'd better be careful or you'll have to learn empathy for this situation through terrible experience." It was a very legitimate thought, because golly gee if that hasn't happened about nine million times in my life. I think I know something, 'cause I'm all smart. And then something catastrophic happens and I realize I don't even know how to tell horse poo from cow poo. So when I had this thought, I paid heed to it. I then thought "I really don't want to have to learn that way. That would be the worst possible case scenario. Maybe I should just try to understand that man better and judge him a whole, whole lot less. That could be good."
I went to his blog, and happily -- oh, so happily -- he had written the most beautiful, eloquent post on his reasons for happiness. He didn't have to do it. He didn't owe it to anyone. But he did it. I understood just a little bit better where he was coming from. It was so clearly stated, so honest, so pure. And I thought "I am happy for this man. He is doing the best he can, just like all of us."
And I felt my creepiness get just a little bit less creepy.
I had to call my Mom to let her know that I was a big fat jerk and that I had learned something really important. Mom's are good in those situations, because they'll love you even if you are -- as previously mentioned -- a creepy, big fat jerk.
I felt sorrow that I am such a creepy, big fat jerk sometimes. I mean, you would think that I would have learned by now that in almost every situation I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. You would think that I would have learned by now that none of us have any idea what is happening behind closed doors or the level of pain hidden behind someone else's serene looking face. I am sad that I haven't learned that by now. Really. I am sad about that. I'd like that to change.
Today I feel like there is a possibility that I could one day become a little less of of creepy, big fat jerk. Maybe a creepy, big fat jerk on a jerk-loss plan. Sort of like 'The Biggest Loser'. But for Jerks.