Thursday, September 1, 2016


It's the first day of September. Things have flown by so fast that I didn't even think about the fact that we've passed our first year mark in Las Vegas until this morning driving to school! This past year has gone by very fast. Especially when I compare it to our first year in Kansas City. But then, The Double B and I both feel like Kansas City was a particular time in our lives that was like growth concentrate. It was pretty intense. But we look back fondly (and hopefully wiser). Las Vegas has been a great place for us. The Double B loves work, the kids love school and church, and we all love being so close to family. In fact, we are going up this weekend for Labor Day. I haven't been up to spend time since Katelyn's barf fest in mid-July, so I'm ready. What's the point of living close of you don't visit often, right? 
The kids started school this week and I am babysitting the cutest little guy. He's two and a great little friend for Benson. His name is Greyson. They are getting along great so far, and I think it'll work out fabulously. 
KJ gets home from school about 2:30 and they are always so happy to see him. Benson will go running for him "Bubba!" Then follow him around until he sits down them crawl up next to him. Yesterday he kept leaning in for cuddles, and it was just so cute. I'm glad they have each other. 
School is going great but they are all tired! It's hard to adjust to that schedule again! 
Tuesday night I went to the temple. The Double B and I have both been getting the impression that we needed to go to the temple more often but hadn't done much about it yet (because we are big slackers, that's the only reason). It's quite a drive, but that's not an issue if we'll just make it a priority. So at the end of last week BB came home and said we needed to just do it, it was important. So we're going to trade off weeks where one of us will make it there at some point. I got to start, lucky me. I love the Las Vegas temple, it is unique and beautiful and the walk to the Celestial Room is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The Spirit just explodes in my chest. It was so beautiful when I came out, lighting up the dark, the city and the lights of the Strip below it. I found that symbolic and peaceful. I am excited for our new plan and know we will be blessed as we attend the temple more frequently. 
I also learned some things. I remembered that the trials we are given are FOR us. Not because God doesn't listen, doesn't care, or is not interested in us and what happens in our lives. They are FOR us. I will ponder more on that. Also, God has the family unit at the center of everything. And that's why He does things a certain way. I learned a lot in the temple on Tuesday. Things I've heard my whole life but that day I understood them differently. 
I know I have changed in many ways in the last almost four years since we began this whole plan to live away from our home base. I don't know if any of those changes are good. The Double B says he thinks I have grown so much stronger, into almost a whole different person. (Certainly a person more able to speak his love languages.) He likes the changes. I am stronger, I agree. I have learned new skills. But I used to like who I was and I always felt like I was making a difference for people. And I don't know if I myself like the changes. I don't know if I like me and I don't know if I make a difference outside of my tiny six-person circle. I used to be surrounded by people, and now I am so solitary. I am used to my own voice now and am in a much better place mentally where I'm not attacking myself and when I do, I'm well enough to play defense. But I'm being honest. I know who I am and I know what I'm doing with my life, I just don't know if I like the changes. There is no going back and I don't see much hope in the future for changing the way things are. I try so much, but can't see myself succeeding at becoming a real part of the community here. Or anytime in the future, I don't think it's in the cards for me, maybe ever again. And that's okay. But sometimes I want to go back to where I was part of a community so much, and I never can. I guess I'm like Moses' little sister. I may very well wonder in the desert for forty years and never step foot in the promised land. And that's okay. But I guess I just wish I could like the changes inside myself. I will probably get there. I'm pretty savvy at seeing the good in and building others. I may yet just find a way to reconstruct myself. 

Anyway. Lots of ramblings for a Thursday. But I find I can be honest when I write in a way I can't articulate while talking. And I know this is a safe place where you, my friends, won't judge me as I stumble along my path. And I'm grateful for that! 

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